Dark Place

[demonicpoison]

It's no secret that my mum and I have a rocky relationship. The past 14 years have been filled with a lot of negative emotions between her and I.

It's also no secret to me that I'm overweight. Weight is something that I've been battling since I can remember. When I was 7 my mum told me I was bigger than all the other kids and I needed to lose weight. I look at photos of myself when I was younger and I was fine. In fact, I was pretty slim. Over the years though, I always believed that I was humongous. My self esteem has been pretty crappy for a long time now but I've been working really hard on loving myself. Its a vicious cycle - I feel bad because I eat. I eat because I feel bad. It's a tough thing to get out of it.

The last 2 weeks have been filled with papers, final exams, and illness. I was really stressed out and I didnt go grocery shopping, instead I've been eating out. I KNOW I shouldn't be doing this. I know it's bad for me. But I was super busy and thought "I have bigger things to worry about". I know it's not a good attitude, but I went grocery shopping a few days ago after all the craziness and bought healthy food.

Tonight my mum went onto my bank account and saw how much I was eating out. She sent me an email that pretty much went "I saw how much you're eating out. You're wasting all your money. You're morbidly obese and you are going to die.

I feel like such shit. I get what she's saying, but she could say it in a way that's not so cruel. A simple, "youre spending too much money eating out. I think a trip to the grocery store is in order" or a "I'm worried about your health, is your eating going okay lately?" would suffice.

Instead here I am at 2am crying like a baby. My self esteem is in the toilet again. She's told me in the past that because of my weight no one will a) want to live with me b) want to be my friend and c) fall in love with me. Right now I feel like maybe I'm not worthy of being loved because I'm this hideous beast that no one wants to be around. I'm so nauseous right now, if I could throw up everything I'd eaten in the last week I would. My mum makes me think anorexia and bulimia are worth it because at least people will love me then. Obviously I won't turn to either or those things, but right now in this horrible head space I can't help but wonder.

I used to cut myself. In grade 9, I carved "mom" into my forearm. Pathetic, right? Sometimes I can still see a little bit of the ''o". I haven't cut myself in 8 years but right now I'm having to wrap my arms around myself not to reach for my nail scissors (my previous cutting instrument of choice) and slashing my arms and legs up. Right now I feel so ugly I even want to cut my face.

I'm in such an extreme dark space right now I can't believe it. My mum makes me feel like I don't deserve anything good. She makes me want to self destruct. Sometimes she makes me not want to live at all.

If she helped build up my self esteem it'd be a lot easier for me to lose weight. If she was kinder I feel like it would be easier for me not to turn to food when I'm sad or stressed. My mum's never been the loving type, but jeeze. My heart is aching right now. I need to go to the washroom but there's a mirror in there and right now I can't even look at myself.

[Mathmo]

Oh fuck.

I'm so, so sorry that you're in such a dark place at the moment. Try not to listen to your mum. We will be your friends. So will other people. We will love you. It's awful that her comments are putting you in this awful place ... weight really doesn't have to be this huge thing. I can totally understand why you've been eating out a lot recently; I definitely did the same during my final exams - shopping and cooking takes energy and sometimes you need that energy for other things!

*hugs*

[drunken dragon]

I'm so sorry, poison. You shouldn't get that kind of shit from your mom. *hugsauce*

[ladypenelope]

Oh DP, I'm kind of hurting for you after reading that.

My first question though is why does you mother have access to your banking records? I know you're living out of home, do you rely on your mom/parents for financial support? Regardless, it seems like you need to set some boundaries with your mom. Maybe she has your best interests at heart but she needs to know that the way she is going about things is not ok for you.

For what it's worth, I can tell you from personal experience that eating disorders are not the way to go. I have majorly fucked up my digestion from my ED behaviours and am still dealing with the after effects 10 years later. That's not to say I don't occasionally think about going back but I know that for the sake of my physical and mental wellbeing I jut can't do it. And as far as the urge to cut, maybe you can find another outlet? I know it's hard but if you just take things one day at a time the urge will hopefully pass.

You are a profoundly beautiful human being, and you deserve to be happy, safe and fulfilled. People will want to be your friend, will want to live with you and will fall in love with you. Don't let your mom's insecurities bring you down to that dark place, you are worth so much more than that.

Feel free to PM me if you need to, but (((((hugs))))) if you want them.

[rowan]

Oh, sweetheart, super many *hugs*. Eating out you know, just for a couple of weeks, is not a bad thing. Really, it's NOT. I wish I could talk to your mom and make her see how destructive her words are being. Is there anyone there who can advocate for you?

*hugs* You are beautiful.

You are.

[dwarp]

Oh honey, this hit home for me. It's pretty much exactly how my mom and I are, right down to the checking the bank account thing. At my brother's birthday in October I lost it because she said "are you sure you want that piece of cake?" in front of everyone, and then it becomes "Oh she's just being emotional". I wish they could see how much they've fucked up our body-images. I'm sure they're just trying to help, but they really just don't know the extent of the damage they're causing. I'm now even more sensitive about my weight than ever before. Yesterday we had a lecture in one of my classes about the obesity crisis in America and I just felt like the whole room was staring at me and yelling "YOU'RE FAT AND IT'S YOUR FAULT".

I totally get it, and I wish I could help.

It's a tough battle because you "eat back" as sort of a rebellion against what she says, but then you hate what you've done because really you don't want to feed yourself bad stuff either. Just try and block it out for awhile. When you get a little more independent it won't feel as bad. She still finds to work my weight into every phone conversation we have, but I can control how often those happen.

[edit the sad parts]

First of all, your mom is a douche. Second of all, *hugs*.

[Aum]

Hugs...

I am forced to agree with above. Even though she's your mother, that's pretty douchey. My father has said some scathing things to me in the past, and only in the past few years have I started telling him off and politely requesting he STFU. What she said to you constitutes abuse and it's not acceptable. If you're an adult then it's time she minds her own business, am I right? Can her access to your bank account be removed?

The other thing is, it sounds like she lives too much through other people. It's always that way with extreme critics. They are so insecure about themselves and their own issues that they feel the need to point it out in others. Unfortunately, their children often get the brunt of it. She might care underneath it all but you don't express it that way.

Sorry that you had to put up with that. You haven't done anything wrong!

[kelsa]

Oh, sweetheart, super many *hugs*. Eating out you know, just for a couple of weeks, is not a bad thing. Really, it's NOT. I wish I could talk to your mom and make her see how destructive her words are being. Is there anyone there who can advocate for you?

*hugs* You are beautiful.

You are.

All this! Especially the eating out for a few weeks when life gets busy, everyone has done this! That's the one thing I really want to place emphasis on- the action that made her write that hateful message? IS NORMAL. You didn't do anything wrong or unusual, really. I don't want you to feel like your eating habits during stressful times strange or hurtful- the only thing strange and hurtful is her attitude and actions.

[Storage and Disposal]

She's told me in the past that because of my weight no one will a) want to live with me b) want to be my friend and c) fall in love with me.

In all seriousness, I wouldn't mind a and b is certainly an option, though RD would get in the way of c happening. I see nothing wrong with you. Your mother shouldn't either. If it's possible, maybe you should sit her down and explain just how counter productive her criticisms are.

[demonicpoison]

Thanks everyone, you're all so great.

I've tried talking to my mum about things like this, but all she hears is blame. I've worded things really carefully and said straight out, "I'm not blaming you". But she can't get past her own head. Talking to her is pointless, we just get in to a fight. It's easier for me to just take it.

I talked to two of my roommates right after the OP and they made me feel a lot better. I'm still feeling a little low, but now I'm more angry than sad. Fuck her, if I'm happy with myself then she should let me be.

Again, I really appreciate it everyone. I know I don't post a lot anymore, but I do read posts all the time. It's nice to know that I have people that care about me. Your messages were all so kind and sweet.

[Aum]

I've tried talking to my mum about things like this, but all she hears is blame. I've worded things really carefully and said straight out, "I'm not blaming you". But she can't get past her own head. Talking to her is pointless, we just get in to a fight. It's easier for me to just take it.

Maybe you should blame her. I mean, it is her fault that you feel this way, and she did directly attack you; and you are angry. Repressing that because she's your mom isn't healthy. Maybe she needs to see a display of genuine anger on your part for her to understand the damage she is inflicting? One time I really snapped at my father due to comments he was making - and this was after years of taking it sitting down. After a period of silence, he started communicating with me again more respectfully.

Your mother is treating you like you have no will power, and aren't self-empowered to make your own adult choices. In other words, she is still treating you like a child who can't manage her own life. Are you going to take that?

I don't mean to tell you what you should do. Maybe you'd feel better letting it rest. I'm just saying, really standing up to a parent can be one of the toughest acts, but also among the most healing. You don't even live with her and she's being abusive. I'm angry on your behalf!

[demonicpoison]

I totally hear what you're saying, Aum.

A couple years ago before I moved away I showed genuine anger and did blame her, but again, nothing happened. She acted the exact same way.
Sometimes I wonder if she realizes that all 3 of her children have had eating disorders, and the 2 oldest had drug and alcohol problems. Coincidence?

[Aum]

Maybe this is too private, but I'd be curious to know if your mother has her own eating disorder or at least self-image issues. What she is projecting onto her children is rather intense and personal. It obviously nothing that her children did to her because she was alive before you all existed - so where does it come from?

What might work on her is deflecting her projections back at her. Maybe then she'll get the clue that this is about her being out of control and not you. Being angry at her is showing her how you feel about it; but making her look at herself would be a whole other ball game.

[Mathmo]

I wonder (and tell me to butt out if this is none of my business!) if it might be healthier / more realistic to accept that (for the moment, at least) you can't change her, and just try to manage your interaction with her / tell yourself explicitly that she is wrong / surround yourself with people or input that contradicts her views and builds you up.

I have a friend (call her E) who is in therapy currently working through issues with her mother ("about" her mother? Her mother's not involved in the therapy), and who doesn't feel that she can confront her mother about them. E's said that for her mother, who has her own mental health issues and issues with *her* mother, discussion of what she was like as a mother would be heard as a huge attack on her identity, because she sees herself as "I was a good mother who sacrificed my own mental health and did everything for my children, and I wasn't like *my* mother". E fears that if she talked to her mother about all this it might unbalance her (E's mother has been / is(?) suicidal). E has been thinking about and I guess discussing the interaction that took place, and I think she's been finding that really useful - being able to look back at issues and say actually, that was wrong, that was abusive, that was neglect - without confronting her mother about it.

I think, like Aum said, repressing stuff probably isn't healthy, but I think that there are other options besides "take it and end up partly believing it" and "confront her about it" (though I'm not saying that you shouldn't confront her about it if that's what you want to do and if you think it would be productive).

[demonicpoison]

Aum, my mum is extremely private. She got pregnant at 17 with my older sister and the guy abandoned her/her family sent her away. She was married for a year to another guy and then quickly divorced, then she found my dad when she was in her 30s. She's never actually said to me directly that my older sister is my half sister, Ive heard everything from other family members. My older sister told me that she was anorexic throughout college, she also recently got plastic surgery done on her face (not saying plastic surgery = body images, simply stating that my mother recently got it done).

Mathmo, I think you're right. My mum will never change. I saw a therapist a couple years ago after confronting her and the therapist blatantly said I will never have the relationship with my mother that I want because I can't change her. I'm trying to talk to her only when I have to right now and I'm surrounded by great people who keep telling me what crap it is that she's throwing insults at me like this.

Yesterday I put in a little more effort than usual getting ready (wore make up, did my hair, etc) and I felt great. I keep telling myself that if I'm happy that's all that counts. I need to keep that in mind.

I wish my mum wasn't such a witch though. Oi.

[rowan]

I keep telling myself that if I'm happy that's all that counts.

Yes.

*hugs*

[demonicpoison]

I'm so irritated!

My older sister seems to find nothing wrong with my mum calling me morbidly obese.

I had a rough day yesterday, I went to the doctor because I wasn't feeling well and it turns out I have Type 2 diabetes. I told my older sister and she called asking when I was going to talk to my mum. I told my dad today, he will tell my mum. Until my mum can be a nice human being to me and not make me feel like shit, I'm not going to be talking to her. Especially about something that has me so confused and sad right now.

I'm so ANNOYED.

[Kirby]

Your mum is a moron. I'm sorry, but she is. who the fuck says that.

and anorexia/bulimia are never the answer. if you're not already in the depth of either, stay out, fight your way out with every part of your fucking being. it is hell. bulimia has made me gain nearly 40kg. and you will lose all your money because you will be spending it all on binge food. there is nothing wrong with eating out for periods here and there, some people honestly don't have the time/energy to cook, and that does not make you a bad person.

many, many hugs going your way dp.

[rowan]

*hugs* Glad they caught the Type 2, hopefully you will be able to manage it. *hugs* Good luck, and even more luck dealing with your mom