it keeps getting bad again

[Nachos]

So, as soon as I think I'm getting a handle on all this anxiety and depression malarkey, I'm suddenly overcome with these bad feelings out of nowhere again. Last weekend I was standing at the crossing of a busy road and almost stepped out to get run over. I have to physically hold myself back from throwing myself under trains, which is a bit of a bummer because I use them everyday. I'm sitting here at work trembling and crying. No reason for the tears, they're just coming and I can't stop. I'm grateful my officemate has left.

I'm supposed to fly to England in a week for a month, partly for a holiday, partly so that I can see my family again. I don't feel like I deserve a holiday. I feel like I'm worthless again. Why are these terribly thoughts coming back? I know they're not true. Its not me saying them, but it sort of is.

[Aum]

If you are really this suicidal, you might want to seek some kind of intervention. I'm not exactly pro-hospital, but if it gets really bad please at least mention it to a friend. There are a lot of decent medications out there that are good for short-term crisis intervention that will take the edge off of these feelings. If you really don't know where these feelings are coming from, then it's possible you have a neurochemical shortage of some kind -- I speak from personal experience. When I get this terribly down it becomes a struggle, and I start to focus on things like:

How well am I eating?
Am I getting enough physical activity?
Am I exhausted and not getting adequate rest?
Am I getting a health dose of work vs. leisure with activities I really enjoy?
Am I getting enough sun?
Am I spending too much time alone? Have I had physical contact with another living being recently (whether it's a hug from a friend, a partner to cuddle with, or simply petting an animal, etc.)?

If the eating thing is difficult, then I recommend during your better-feeling moments you think of an easy, relatively healthy go-to food that helps you feel better when you're down. It should be something that is pretty effortless. I get really down in the winter but I have managed to take the edge off a bit this year by paying attention to how nourished I am. I've noticed that lacking B vitamins, vitamin D, and magnesium, phosphorous and calcium all negatively affect my emotional state. Fortunately liquid D3 is cheap to buy now, and most of the other nutrients you can get from eating dark leafy greens.

The other thing is... does your depression/anxiety come from a sense of threatened survival/fear, or does it feel more like there are emotions that are difficult to work through? I've learned that my depression is often triggered by something unsuitable in my life, and my body will react to this before I even logically deduce the problem. If it's fear based then something in your environment could be triggering you. If it's emotion based, then maybe where your life is at is not best for you (i.e. job that you don't enjoy, something about your home life, etc.)? I'm someone who tends to push things aside and live in denial land if something is not working, and drag it out for as long as possible, but eventually my mood crashes and forces me to examine the situation.

Please turn to a friend a.s.a.p about this! If you are having heavy suicidal ideation it's going to really drain you further. Find a way to get this out of you instead of holding it in. Write it down, talk it out -- anything! Just don't keep it internalized.

[Mathmo]

Aum's suggestions are really good. I hope things get less bad soon. I think it's good that you posted on here - letting a bit of it out. Do you have anyone you can talk to in meatspace?

[rowan]

*hugs nachos* Aum has good advice, so I will just give you many many hugs. You're not worthless, you're awesome, and wherever those thoughts are coming from I hope you can find a way to fight them off.

btw we were just putting in the captions on pictures to our trip where I got to visit with you. Soon (two years later) our scrapbook will be done!

[Nachos]

Thank you people I talked to my therapist today who made worried faces, asked more about the voices/urges and then told me that it's not schizophrenia as I know it's not me doing the urging and voices. I have distance, as it were. It's still worrying though and she said I am dealing with it well. i.e. sitting down until the train stops and then getting in. Standing a step away from crossings to stop myself for stepping into oncoming traffic. Stuff like that. It's just a loose connection somewhere in my brain that will be more investigated when I come back from holiday. Or something like that.

[hannahrae]

UGH! I really hate that people have to go throught things like this. I myself have landed (woooosh, on a plane!!!) in the mental hospital in Grand Rapids, MI twice. Last year. I took a bunch of pills, had a reallllllly crazy trip, then they brought the crash cart in, then boom, I was in the hospital.
I encourage you to talk to therapists, make sure you have the RIGHT therapist. (I have had many,you really need to find one that is right for you, don't feel like a failure if you haven't found him/her yet. It can be a journey)
Sometimes a rigorous inpatient session can be really beneficial. I spent 8 days there the last time, was able to talk to a plethora of people that were there for similar reasons, talk to a therapist, get medication worked out... etc.
Medications also suck to get worked out. I can't even count how many I have been on. I've been allergic to some, crazy on some, got used to some and my brain chemistry said "hey lets ignore this guy!)
There are some chiropractors that offer a neuro-emotional tecnique. You could look that up.
Whatever works for you, I hope you find it.

[hannahrae]

Also... If you recieve a diagnosis, do NOT let the diagnosis define who you are. No no no no no. You are YOU. You are beautiful. You are not a diagnosis.