How to give support.

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How to give support.

Postby Misandry_Reborn » Wed Oct 19, 6:33 2016

I want to preface this with a warning. I am more than a little emotionally all over the place right now so my writing will be combative.

Okay, so I am part of a Role-playing guild and Discord (Similar to Skype, but with everyone on at the same times) blew up with a long post. I checked it out and it was a long rant. The short of the long is one of the guild member's wife had an agreement with him to restrict his access to ERP (Erotic RolePlay, imagine sexting but if you described the entire sequence). She states that he has cheated on her with women he has met through ERP and that they had agreed that he would stop ERPing. She felt betrayed by him. She ended her post with the words "i won't be a problem for him after this".

After that, I was pretty anxious about it since that doesn't sound good at all. I reached out to her and talked to her about her situation if she was safe. I tried to be supportive and kept trying to bring the conversation back to her. I managed to get her to agree to speak to a women's aid organization where she lived, and I offered to be there for her to speak to if she needed someone to vent to.

Part of believes that there is always two sides to a story, not that the truth lies between either story, but rather that there are two sides. We spoke about a few things, how she felt etc, but I could not shack the feeling that she might not have been telling the truth. I tried to focus on giving her support in a way that believed her story.

Is it bad that I have doubts?

I think my doubts might be because she is a woman... I know that sounds really bad, and it is, but that is why I am here. I feel really conflicted about the entire event. Do I give her blind trust or not. I think I should since she is obviously hurting and that is not a good thing at all. Like I don't even know what to think really so I did what I thought I would want someone to do in that position. I nodded, agreed ed and tried to help her along the way. Is that the right thing to do or should I have been more cynical about her story?
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Re: How to give support.

Postby rowan » Wed Oct 19, 10:48 2016

So, I guess I would say: offering help and suggestions of women's aid etc is totally a good thing to do, regardless of how conflicted you feel. I'm assuming that there has been some ERP in the group, and it's totally valid for a partner not to feel comfortable with that even without the cheating aspect.

Is it bad to have doubts? I would say that 1) it's not unusual, because culture, and 2) it's actions that matter. Whether or not she's telling the truth (she probably is but even if not) there is nothing bad about providing support to leave a relationship.
spacefem wrote:All your logical argue are belong to us!

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Re: How to give support.

Postby DarkOne » Wed Oct 19, 14:42 2016

Maybe I'm super skeptical by nature, maybe I'm projecting, but I always count on leave room for people not being completely truthful on the interwebs... That alone would be reason for me to not blindly trust [regardless of gender]. Providing perspective, recommending options, and just listening are ways to provide support without the need to assign truthfulness to what she's saying.

As to doubting her because she's a woman, well, at least your brain acknowledges it's messed up, even if your gut tells you otherwise. Make sure your gut doesn't runaway on this one. I guess that's a step in the right direction. I don't have much advice on how to override ingrained bias, as I have my own set of biased opinions to keep in check.
"Winston Churchill once said 'The eyes are the windows of your face.' " -A man who's very scared of plants.

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