Roommate advice

[Aum]

I'll keep it simple.

I need advice regarding how to deal with a roommate who:

- is often loud when I need quiet (especially around bed time)

- never does his own dishes, nor the dishes of his friends who come over; then when I need to use dishes, I'm the one who has to wash them

- has groups of friends over often to the point where it feels like I am a guest in my own home; I don't participate because I don't drink or smoke (pot/cigarettes) anymore

These are themes that have come up in the past three places I've lived in. It never seems to end well because I get explosive and end up leaving. I wish the majority of human beings I live with weren't such selfish, ignorant punks.

[Meperidine]

Talk to him about it.

[cwbyrvr]

I would assume that he's tried that, but I really can't think of any advice beyond that. :\

[ladyhawk]

I can think of some really passive agressive ways to deal with it. I recently had to use some of them on my husband to help me clean the house, because apparently his idea of clean and my idea of clean are two different things.

1. Take all the dishes he used, put them in a plastic tub and put them in front of his bedroom door. Only wash the dishes you use.

2. Wait until he is trying to go to sleep and start partaking in activites that are REALLY noisy.

3. Invite a bunch of guests over, either when he has his guests over or invite enough of them to make him feel awkward and take part in activites that make him feel awkward and excluded.


It's kind of a bitchy way to deal with it, but I'm the youngest of seven AND my husband has a tendancy to "forget" things that we discuss, so these are methods I find myself resorting to when talking doesn't work. The old, "give 'em a taste of their own medicine," routine works pretty well at times.

[Butterfly North]

On the dishes thing, you're well within your rights to just have your own dishes/pots/pans and keep them in a cupboard that is not for his use. If he still uses them despite you making this clear, you can lock them up, or maybe keep them in your room. HIS dishes you can put in his room or places you don't use. It's more hassle than a reasonable person should subject their roommate to, to have to carry it all around the house, but still less hassle than cleaning his stuff.

[monk]

yeah, keep your stuff separate and dump his dirty stuff in a bucket and put it in his room/by his door.

As for this happening the last three places you've lived, this is partially your fault for not interviewing your potential new roommate well enough before moving in.

Just a simple checklist will do

1. I'm do my partying elsewhere and consider my home a haven away from partying where I expect it to be somewhat quiet most evenings, How about You?

2. I'm a keep a clean kitchen all the time type person unless I'm actually in the process of cooking, how about you?

3. I don't drink or smoke pot in the house, Do you?

if potential roommates answer to any of these is disagreeable, DONT MOVE IN WITH THEM.

[Aum]

monk, you are absolutely right. I take full responsibility for putting myself where I am. Because of the housing situation in Vancouver, I have taken a lot of places out of desperation and settled for "lesser evil" kind of places. The reason is that the prospective tenant is always in the position of less power here. Any place that has availability usually has 10 people lining up to see it, which means if you get all interrogative you could be brushed aside for not being agreeable. If you see an ad for a place, you basically you have to go there RIGHT NOW and it's competitive.

The #1 problem here - aside from my lack of investigative skills - is the housing situation in this city. Unless you are wealthy or working your butt off full time, you must room with another person. Everyone is doubling, tripling, or quadrupling up, and the city is endorsing condos instead of affordable housing. I left my old neighbourhood because the only options were shared houses with 4+ people and there is always conflict. This means that it's unlikely you'll find anywhere that is 100% compatible with you. I thought that this time I could deal with just one person's incompatible behaviours, but I was wrong.

At this point, it would be pure luck to find the right place. Putting in 110% effort doesn't work.

[cwbyrvr]

Is there no one you could work up an agreement with ahead of time and try to find a place together?

[letyourlifesing]

I second the advice about getting together a group of people who all want to live together and going househunting together.

[monk]

why is it that you are trying to move into their place? I think you need to get your own place and then have 10 people contacting you to move in and letting you pick and choose. it may require some sacrifice on your part to get the security deposit together or whatever but it seem to me you need to stop being the supplicant and start being the interviewer.

[Aum]

why is it that you are trying to move into their place? I think you need to get your own place and then have 10 people contacting you to move in and letting you pick and choose. it may require some sacrifice on your part to get the security deposit together or whatever but it seem to me you need to stop being the supplicant and start being the interviewer.

This... is the best idea I've heard yet!!!