Do opposites attract?

[lykin005]

Or do they repel? I've been reexamining what I look for in a woman and I've kinda hit a wall. I mean I know what I think I want but I cant be sure if that's what I should really be looking for. To be clear I have been looking for a woman very similar to me but I wonder if maybe that's not quite the way to go. So what do you individuals think? Does a relationship work better when those involved are very similar, somewhere in the middle, or totally different?

[monk]

You're overthinking it. You want to come up with a recipe for the woman for you before you even meet her. Everyone is different, even people who seem the same are going to be different when exposed to them one on one over a period of time, there are no "opposites". Those individual quirks and differences are what's going to ultimately decide whether you and this other person are a match. The idea is to have a few common interests that allow you to share time together so you can decide whether all those other pieces that make up a person fit together with your pieces or not.
And by "fit together" I don't mean that they match, they just have to not be in so much conflict that it causes you to fight with this person all the time, but don't expect never to fight, very few people match together that well. and by fight I mean disagree or have differing opinions.

[Rainbow Dolphins]

I don't think you ought to "look for" a certain type of woman. I think you should just go out, meet people, make friends and pursue women you find you get along with and enjoy the company of (or, if they pursue you, let them). If you narrowly search for a certain woman you have a preconceived notion of you will not only likely NEVER find her, but you will miss a lot of opportunities for good relationships because they're not exactly what you think you want.

[LunchBox]

Like the two before me said, don't look for a specific type. Your dream lady will come along when you're not looking for her. That's how it's happend to everyone I've known in long term relationships.

[anonymousrabbit]

I agree with Monk and RD. From personal experience, I can tell you that you may be surprised by whom you end up with. There are people I've had great relationships with that were radically different from what I would have expected. If you go out with a certain narrow idea in your head about what you want, you may miss worlds of opportunities looking for something or someone that doesn't actually exist. I'd say worry more about getting out and meeting people than about finding that Disney "special someone"; when you meet someone you like, you'll know it. And this person may be very different from what you thought you would find.

As for opposites attracting, all sorts of people attract all different sorts of other people. Dating your opposite can be a lot of fun, but what I've found is that if someone is too radically different, it can be hard to make it work. For me, there are certain values that I know I'll have to have in common with whomever I end up with, otherwise I know it would be difficult for myself and this person to coexist happily in a single household. But like everyone has been saying, don't worry too much about this part PRIOR to meeting someone. Simply put, you'll meet someone you like, and then you'll date to see if you are compatible. That's when you worry about opposites and similarities.

[lykin005]

I thank you for your advice! But I fear it's not in the cards for me to do it that way. I find social situations to be awkward, unintuitive, and not very fulfilling. (Due to difficulty in connecting with people, I am an eccentric individual and people find it hard to identify with me and vice versa.) I have this idea of what I'm looking for because of this and also because I feel like I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't deal emotionally with just casually "dating" someone and also because I feel like I know what my values are, what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are etc. So I think I can fairly accurately predict what kind of woman I would likely connect with. I tend to get strongly attached to people I spend a significant amount of time with particularly if in the context of romantic interest so dating I fear would be harsh on me emotionally, thus I would like to be able to have an idea of what will work for me so when I meet her I can have a better chance of knowing whether it will work out. Am I pretty much just screwed? Cuz it feels that way.

[monk]

I think if you want a relationship and want to have some success in finding someone you're going to have to expand your social horizons some. I don't mean you have to go out a bunch. I don't mean you have to do completely uncomfortable things, but I do think you will need to get out and meet some people and make some personal contacts for some socializing. This will be good for you for two reasons, 1. Your chances of meeting someone will increase significantly and 2. When you do meet someone they are going to at some point introduce you to their social circle so the practice will prepare you for this.

[lykin005]

I will try to do this and I infact just came from an event a friend invited me too and not only that they invited me to be in a play sorta thing their working on! I just feel like most of the time in past experiences these lead nowhere or otherwise just don't work too well.

Edit: To AnonymousRabbit: This is wisdom! Thank you.

[anonymousrabbit]

Do whatever you want. It's your life, and you are allowed to make your own choices, and different approaches work for different people. In my opinion, however, if a certain set of choices makes me unhappy, and I continue to make those same choices, I am making poor choices. I try to revise my behaviour then so as to not continue banging my head against the same wall.

[zibber]

Or do they repel? I've been reexamining what I look for in a woman and I've kinda hit a wall. I mean I know what I think I want but I cant be sure if that's what I should really be looking for. To be clear I have been looking for a woman very similar to me but I wonder if maybe that's not quite the way to go. So what do you individuals think? Does a relationship work better when those involved are very similar, somewhere in the middle, or totally different?

Love is the number one thing that can't be "tackled" theoretically. It's healthiest just to stop doing that completely.

In general, when you stop trying, that's when love will find you. (But not if you stop trying specifically for that reason.)

Am I pretty much just screwed?

Yes. Let go.

[monk]

Am I pretty much just screwed?

Yes. Let go.

follow that advice and you wont be.

[Morsel Muncher]

In some ways, yes and in some ways, no.

From my experiences I have learned that I really, really want to be with someone who shares similar values with me. Things like hiking, camping, boating... any outdoors activity... running... traveling.. I love these things and It was so frustrating to get someone that I loved to do these things with me because he did not like them. So I was alone and eventually I felt it... so much to the point were I stopped being active and gained weight. I just wanted someone with me...

Now I don't consider myself extremely social, but I think that opposites here are a good thing. When one person really enjoys going out and meeting other people the other person has a chance to learn and grown. If both people like to stay in all the time it will become very boring. (At least for me it started to get that way..)

[rowan]

^this seems kind of contradictory, don'cha think?

I think it's good to have stuff in common, and things you can do on your own too. It's important to be independent people, but if you have nothing in common then ... well, you won't have anything to do together.

[Butterfly North]

I think it's important to have at least some significant overlap in the things that are really important to you or at least an understanding of how differences can be solved. So if you want seven kids and they want none, that's a big problem, but if they want maybe two you can handle it as long as you communicate. If you're religious perhaps avoid dating richard dawkins but it should be possible to be happy with an atheist as long as you two can be accepting of each other. If you really like drinking a few socially it's still fine to be with someone who's teetotal but not if they have a big problem with people drinking full stop. And so on.

Independently to this you have your character. The above things don't relate to stuff like how friendly you are, how loud you are, how stubborn you are and so on. I like to make jokes and I'm attracted to others who make jokes, but if someone was very serious but had other qualities that attracted me that'd be fine - it's preferable to have someone similar but not one of those things I'd put in the 'very important to me' category. If you're stubborn you might want to avoid other stubborn people, so in that case perhaps opposites do attract. I don't think you can extrapolate from that to a general rule though - in the end, if you're quiet you might end up liking someone who is really outgoing, but they might be attracted to that quality too. It sucks when that happens but it's just an odds thing.

[lykin005]

I think it's important to have at least some significant overlap in the things that are really important to you or at least an understanding of how differences can be solved. So if you want seven kids and they want none, that's a big problem, but if they want maybe two you can handle it as long as you communicate. If you're religious perhaps avoid dating richard dawkins but it should be possible to be happy with an atheist as long as you two can be accepting of each other. If you really like drinking a few socially it's still fine to be with someone who's teetotal but not if they have a big problem with people drinking full stop. And so on.

Independently to this you have your character. The above things don't relate to stuff like how friendly you are, how loud you are, how stubborn you are and so on. I like to make jokes and I'm attracted to others who make jokes, but if someone was very serious but had other qualities that attracted me that'd be fine - it's preferable to have someone similar but not one of those things I'd put in the 'very important to me' category. If you're stubborn you might want to avoid other stubborn people, so in that case perhaps opposites do attract. I don't think you can extrapolate from that to a general rule though - in the end, if you're quiet you might end up liking someone who is really outgoing, but they might be attracted to that quality too. It sucks when that happens but it's just an odds thing.

This sounds like a solid plan to me. Thank you everyone for your advice and input! On that note my dad just teased me at the goodwill to ask this girl for her number. I did find her attractive and based on 10-20 seconds of dialogue she seemed cool. Does one merely ask a girl for her number? Or is that the path to ruin?

[monk]

That ^ is an excellent question. We've had members here rant about how they've been hit on in retail situations so on some level if your approach is bad it might not work. On a personal note though I know a guy who used to get numbers from girls at stores (employees & customers) all the time, so I know it's possible if you have the right technique.

Me? I would bite the bullet and ask her out for a cup of coffee at the nearest public place that serves it. If there's a connection, then ask for her phone number.

[rowan]

Yeah, I dunno. Asking maybe for coffee sometime might work. It's kind of hard to say, I think it's very location-dependent. If asking for numbers is a norm in your area it might work.

But I personally think it's annoying to have to deal with people asking you out while you're working because, well, you're working. It's shouldn't be part of the job to have to fend off people looking for dates. I mean, it'd be weird if I were just, you know, sitting in my office working, and someone randomly walked by, asked me for directions (this happens a couple of times a semester) and then proceeded to ask me out. Or you wouldn't ask someone out who was on the job doing construction or something. I don't understand why people think retail or restaurants are different.

[lykin005]

I think maybe context is necessary here. I'm going to be totally honest here despite me essentially admitting everything that makes me undesirable. I have no job (And honestly wont have one until I find one I would like doing.) I live with my parents, can't drive, and have no money. So coffee (Or really any sort of date.) would likely require her to do the heavy lifting. I don't see most woman being very attracted to a guy in this situation, but maybe I'm wrong.

As for what Rowan said. Keeping in mind I have no experience in this area to speak of and that I have aspergers I thought she seemed at least vaguely interested in me. (Although this could be another situation where I misinterpret friendliness and smiles as flirting.) Though now that I look back she did make an effort to acknowledge me and I did ask her for assistance seeking a certain item I had in mind which required a fair amount of effort on her part to locate, perhaps an attempt to make a good impression? If not at work where else would someone ask you out? I mean barring stalking the girl till I find her in a less inconvenient situation I don't know where she lives or anything like that. How else could I go about talking to her?

Edit: To Rowan: That certainly sounds very reasonable! I think I will go back and see if she makes an effort to speak with me next time.
I appreciate you not judging me. Normally people just call me a loser. Or if their more polite they'll just insist I should get a job. To answer your question. Confucius said "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." This is bad-ass quote and I couldn't agree more! I have no children or debts to pay. My family life is doing fine. So I have no NEED to find a job or to move out. I want to always have the ability to say yes to helping a friend or family member and never have to say no because I "Have to work." I also don't deal well with stress, typically (if extended) it sends me into a blackout. I'm fine waiting until I am presented with an opportunity to work at a place I will enjoy working at or am able to start my vending machine business.

[rowan]

Oh, well... I was thinking she was just at the cash register or something and you had like, a 10 second interaction with her. I guess you could go browse the store again sometime and see if she seems as friendly/interested. She might have just been doing her job (which is to help customers and generally be pleasant to them) or maybe she was interested. Who knows, maybe if you frequent the store, she's already noticed you. Or maybe she'll ask you out sometime if you keep going and being friendly.

As for the other things... I don't think any one of them would be a deal-breaker initially, but I'm curious about

I have no job (And honestly wont have one until I find one I would like doing.)

Why? (There's nothing inherently wrong with this; just wondering)

[monk]

and have no money. So coffee (Or really any sort of date.) would likely require her to do the heavy lifting. I don't see most woman being very attracted to a guy in this situation, but maybe I'm wrong.

everything Rowan said but this^ will be an issue unless she asks you out, since if you're the one doing the asking you should at the very minimum have enough money for a couple cups of coffee.

and I have no problems about being poor either. Screw the Starbucks $5 per coffee crap and take her to Denny's/Mcdonalds/whatever local place that serves just plain coffee for 1 or 2 bucks. but that will require having that few dollars available.

by the way, this is one of the advantages of having a social network of friends who "hang out" hook you up with a friend of a friend because all that needs to be done is get her to hang out too and hanging out is free.

When you try the one on one with strangers the first few occasions of going out will likely accrue some kind of expense even if it's just bus fare .....

[zibber]

Wait a minute. I have no money & live with my pops and I get by wonderfully. You don't need money to stroll through a park, enjoy a simple soup or watch old French movies on your laptop.

That said, an employee at a store helps you find an item and you see hearts? That's massively desperate - no offense.

No - offense! What are you doing?! Let go. Let go.

[lykin005]

To Monk: That's a very good point! I think I may be hanging out with a friend on saturdays now and probably working on their play at some point too. So I'm taking steps toward making a social group.

To Zibber: I think the hard part is going to be finding a woman who is willing to do things like that. In my experience woman talk about wanting a date where money is spent. (Hell if I know why it matters!) Hearts no! But a possible connection yes. Your asking me to "let go" of what is basically the only thing I really look forward to in life. Barring super powers or finding out I'm the chosen one or something along those lines that's really the biggest thing I'm looking forward to in life. Love is one of the most important things in my life. I cant just not care anymore! Don't get me wrong I'm still enjoying life and I have goals and things but their all secondary to finding love or superpowers.

Edit: To Anonymousrabbit: Then what does it become if not what I think of now?

[anonymousrabbit]

I don't think Zibber is asking you to let go of love, just your preconceived notions of love and finding love, which as everyone has pointed out in this thread so far, may be limiting your success in those activities.

[zibber]

To Zibber: I think the hard part is going to be finding a woman who is willing to do things like that. In my experience woman talk about wanting a date where money is spent. (Hell if I know why it matters!) Hearts no! But a possible connection yes. Your asking me to "let go" of what is basically the only thing I really look forward to in life. Barring super powers or finding out I'm the chosen one or something along those lines that's really the biggest thing I'm looking forward to in life. Love is one of the most important things in my life. I cant just not care anymore! Don't get me wrong I'm still enjoying life and I have goals and things but their all secondary to finding love or superpowers.

No - let go of this eagerness. Let go of attachment to the notions of Love and I Must Have Love. Your strong investment in this leads to "theoretical" misconceptions such as "I need money for dates" (although to be fair, culture plays a part there) but, more importantly, completely strains any spontaneity. One example is being helped at a store and seeing things I guarantee you aren't there, but there are many wonderful ways in which this nigh desperation can fuck with your shit. More deliciously, when you do find someone, your burning attachment to Love is likely to fuck that up, too.

Sure, I'm somewhat of a zen dogmatist, but I have discovered that the secret to happiness is to let go of attachment to the concept of happiness, uprooting the desire to get it. When I stopped looking for love, for instance, I was suddenly submerged in it, getting so much of it that I didn't even know what to do with it. (Talk about super powers.)

(Basically, that's the zen version of that old cliche of "if you are not content by yourself, you should not enter a relationship", but there is a little more to it.)

[lykin005]

Nothing in this world aside from love or superpowers holds any true appeal to me. Video games are really just fantasy's of having superpowers and sometimes even fantasy's of finding love. Letting go of the desire for love would probably be like embracing nihilism. Unless of course I figure out that whole chi blast thing.