Are you who your parents wanted you to be?

[lizpoona]

I've thought a lot lately about how different I am from 3 years ago, 5 years ago, even 10 years ago (some of you will remember what I was like 10 years ago...eesh >.>)... and how I am not at all like how my parents tried raising me. I mean, I've held onto lessons they taught me such as kindness to strangers and how to not be a racist prick, but everything else they spent a significant amount of time drilling into my head did not in any way take hold.


Things they tried instilling in me from a young age:
-A weird mixture of fundamentalist Christianity and charismatic non-denominational Christianity in the one truth, the only truth, and you will go to Hell for eternity if you don't believe it.
-The end is near- The Anti-Christ is coming, the UN is evil, and Satan is trying to take over America
-The King James Bible is the only true translation of the word of God
-Pokemon and similar manifestations of "asian demons" are evil
-Harry Potter, Sailor Moon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sabrina the Teenage Witch and other things that teach "witchcraft" are also evil.
-Harry Potter is the worst of those.
-Any music that isn't classical, oldies/jazz, or gospel/hymns is also satanic. You're ESPECIALLY vulnerable to the devil if you listen to metal, punk, or various genres of rock. I was forbidden from listening to "secular" music growing up.
-Don't have sex until you're married. You're also only allowed to marry a christian guy.
-Don't be friends with people unless they're christian, or unless you plan on converting them (the preferred term is "getting them saved").
-Disagreeing with your parents on any account is disrespectful and you probably deserve to go to Military school (that was a common threat growing up).
-Communism, Socialism, taxes, and the government in general is pure evil and out to get you.
-Secularism = Satanism.
-Feminism is evil and feminists just want to take over the world and persecute men and destroy families.
-Homosexuality is weird, unnatural, and sinful.
-Christmas is mostly pagan and Santa is an infiltration of Satan into christian tradition.
-Drugs are bad and satanic.
-Dungeons and Dragons is way for Satan to possess you with demons.


Now, after learning to think for myself and living life a little, I:
-am a total atheist and very involved in the secular community
-want to work for the United Nations
-don't believe in the bible anymore and I'm pretty sure the KJV is actually one of the worst translations.
-love Pokemon and just got my first pokemon cards a few days ago, and having been learning to play the card game with some of my friends. As far as I know, I haven't been possessed by any Asian demons yet.
-I've read all of the Harry Potter books, watched all of the movies, and I fucking love it. I also wish Hogwarts was real.
-I fucking LOVE "secular" music. Rock, rap, alternative, metal, punk, you name it... I've got a list of favorite bands and about 15 gigabytes worth of devil music. I've even been to punk rock concerts and had a blast.
-I've been sexually active for 2+ years and I can't imagine NOT having sex in a relationship before marriage. I love sex, it's fantastic and it's the most freeing thing in the world to break out of religious sexual repression. I'm pretty sure I'm a more confident person today because of my sex life.
-I've never been good about only being friends with Christians. I still have christian friends, but I also have friends who are atheist, muslim, jewish, pagan, or totally apathetic towards religion. I make friends with whoever the fuck I want!
-I'm a democratic socialist and I want to work for or with the government at some point
-I'm a fucking feminist and proud of it!
-I support Gay Rights with every fiber of my being, and I don't think there's anything weird about homosexuality, bisexuality, being trans, etc. etc.
-Christmas is fucking awesome. I don't give a shit that it's derived from pagan holidays.
-mmm, Marijuana.
-I'm a big D&D nerd whenever I can actually find people to play D&D with.



So there you have it. I'm am the product of a fundamentalist christian upbringing, and now that I've come to realize who I really am and what I truly believe in, I am a far more confident and happy person. I am no longer afraid of music or kid's TV shows, and I have some of the best friends I've ever made. Fuck the boundaries parents put on their kids!

Despite this, in general they're proud of me for being in college and whatnot. They never really cared whether I got a driver's license or a car, or whether I went to college and moved out, or whether I got a job or not. Like, literally, they didn't care at ALL. They just cared that I was a good christian and that I cleaned my room and didn't argue too much. Well, I rarely cleaned my room (I do it for my own sanity, now), never stopped arguing with them, and now I've eschewed 90% of everything they ever spent energy trying to teach me (aside from the whole being nice to people thing. I suppose that was a fairly important lesson).


So, what about you? Are you what your parents expected? (Your account doesn't have to be negative; mine might sound negative because I am totally pissed about not being able to read Harry Potter when I was a kid.)

[Sonic#]

That's a huge list, which I don't think I can imitate. Disputing the quality of the KJV aside, it sounds like, whether or not you're who your parents wanted you to be, you're becoming who you want to be. I think (hope?) many parents are savvy enough to see that and want that even more than their own version of what that is.

I don't know exactly what my parents wanted me to be. I get signals in bits and pieces, from conversations and the questions they ask me about what I do now. Here's some highlights:

[*] They expected me to perhaps be a scientist or an engineer, something applied and easy to justify to friends.
[*] They raised me secularly; religion would be a surprise to them.
[*] It wasn't until the eighth grade, when I won "(School Mascot) of the Year," that they saw my academic potential as equal to my valedictorian sister.
[*] They hoped that I would be straight, marry someone white and womanly, and make straight white babies, of whom one would be male and carry on my last name.
[*] They hoped that I would be tall and athletic, perhaps playing basketball for the University of Kentucky.
[*] My dad hoped that I would bowl a lot.
[*] School was imperative.
[*] They wanted me to end up in the same city, or at least the same state as them.

I ended up:

[*] I study and teach early British literature. The concept of writing a monograph or a dissertation as a scholarly work doesn't always reach them - it's like they half expect it to be a creative work.
[*] I'm secular, with some spiritual bent. Sometimes I'm a pandeist, and other times I really believe in some version of Mechthild von Magdeburg or Julian of Norwich's mysticism. So, I'm either a deist or a really weird Christian.
[*] I love mastering learning, conquering tests, and breaking curves. I became valedictorian myself, maintained a 4.0 through undergrad. Forgive the immodesty here: academically, I kick ass. (Now the return to modesty - how much does that really mean? Something, but not everything.)
[*] Most likely right now, I'm a slightly incongruous person who will marry a bisexual-or-something-like-that woman and have babies that we raise intentionally gender-neutral. My name may or may not be adopted by my children.
[*] Tall, yes. Athletic? I can be. However, I never took up basketball.
[*] I do bowl a lot, though less lately because it costs both money and time.
[*] I live a life in school.
[*] Neither is likely, and neither is a priority. I could end up just about anywhere in the next three years.

So, I'm my parents' child in many ways, but not nearly in every way. I see it in the way my dad looks, slightly baffled, at me, or the way that my mom misunderstands my earnestness to correct her condescending remarks towards other sexualities as well as the generational excuses she makes about herself. They're proud of me, but they can't quite figure me out. It helps little that I keep to myself, a habit that I funnily enough learned from both of them.

[monk]

I mystified my parents. While my older sister was exactly like them, a little naive, hard working, had to work hard to grasp things, pretty sedate in character and introverted, not a risk taker, was not really interested in technology or the world as a whole, I was not any of those things. I took risks, I broke rules, I pushed boundaries, things came easily to me, and I was anything BUT sedate, I read more than them(from about the age of 10).

My parents focused on the basics of making sure I knew the basic skills of what they considered survival, how to drive, fix things, shoot, be honest to my word, be law abiding, and believe in God (though God was mentioned at the table & at bedtime, not once did they ever take me to church).

When I turned 18 and they gave me a car in my name & insurance in my name my dads advice was "be careful son, you know the rules, don't call me from jail". So while they knew they'd instilled in me the tools for life they were not so sure I was ready to follow them. Over the next 5 years before my Dad passed away nothing made them happier than when I would come to their house to visit, grab a beer from the fridge and tell them about the bullshit I was dealing with lately (most of which was my own fault). The fact that only crime I was ever convicted of was speeding I guess counts as success, especially considering that if I'd been caught for some of the things I did I would be getting out of prison right about now.

They thought I should go to college, but out of high school I didn't go because they had kept such a tight lid on me growing up I had some partying/adventuring to make up for (it took me almost six years to do that) I was finally enrolled to actually start going to college when my Dad passed away, I think he was proud, I know my mom was when I actually went even though I had to move 4000 miles away from her to go.

[kelsa]

I still have no idea what hopes or dreams they had/have for me, but I'm pretty confident that I've failed. Its pretty much widely acknowledged that my parents view me as pretty much the biggest waste of space ever. I'm a lesbian, I dress funny, I'm not very polite, and I think too much. If I was stupid and dated nice men I'd be a lot more palatable. I've just never been easy for them to handle.

One of my first posts on this site way back when I was 11 was about how my mother viewed me as a huge failure and was constantly trying to modify me through any and all means possible, no matter how aggressive, into being the person she wanted. I took MFS, Fern, and BCG's advice and basically pretended my parents didn't exist. Nothing much has changed in the ten intervening years.

[Storage and Disposal]

No.

[Aum]

That's a bit of a tough one to answer. Sometimes I think yes, and other times no.

My dad raised me in a very hetero-normative way, even after there were early signs (as young as 5-6 years old) that I was not like the other boys. He downplayed my sensitive nature, my pull toward things "feminine", and I was chastized whenever I did things that boys "shouldn't do". I was enrolled in hockey for 7-8 years, and swimming lessons too. My dad tried to turn me into an athlete, and incorrectly thought that by doing so, I would not turn out gay. All he got was a gay athlete for a son. My mother, on the other hand... she always said to me growing up that the only things that really mattered were health and happiness; if I ended up having those then she was happy for me. She has been unconditionally supportive.

They both raised me to be kind to others, to not fight with or hurt others, to always take the high ground whenever possible, to help other people and be generous, and to be "proper" even if it meant suppressing your own voice. They had some of that old-school Irish/British upbringing in them, having come from the colonial east coast before it became part of Canada. Saving face mattered a lot to them. They were both Virgos and this made them very critical, analytical people. I know my logical capacities come from them, so I think they're very happy that I became an intellect that far surpassed them.

How I turned out... well, my dad has said to my sister that he would like to start over and have a brand new family but that it's too late, so that pretty much says it all. He tells me he's proud of me all the time, so the message has been mixed. I've done things that nobody in my entire extended family has ever done. No one really quite knows how to categorize me anymore, which I enjoy. On the other hand, I have alienated myself from my entire family by living so far away from them, so they don't truly know the adult me - which is why it's hard to answer the OP question. They have not seen most of my adult accomplishments first hand, only what I talk to them about when I visit once a year. No one has visited me in Vancouver so no one really knows my life out here, and that part makes me sad sometimes.

My parents are very impressed with my worldly adventures, like my travels and learning of languages. They are doubly impressed with how hyper intelligent I am and they always say so. They talk about me to their friends and co-workers all the time, they are so proud. I know their lives were not easy and they have regrets about not living them to the fullest, so they are happy to see that one of their children has really gone the mile with life experiences.

I would like to think that, despite all of the turmoil in my family, I am someone that they are proud of, even if they don't fully know me anymore. I've certainly never done anything that would make them ashamed. And I know they still care about me deeply, in their own ways.

[Butterfly North]

My dad always said he wanted me to get an education so that I could make myself a living doing something I enjoyed, but I don't think my parents wanted or expected that to take the form of a particular degree. I always thought they were pretty relaxed about even that because my mum was like 'oh btw that includes training as a hairdresser or welder or whatever' but then I was academically pretty good so I interpreted it to mean getting a degree. Now in retrospect I realise that I've been fortunate in that a) I aimed for most of what they wanted with either no pushing from them or sufficiently subliminal pushing from them for me not to have consciously noticed and b) what they wanted was a pretty good idea anyway.

For example I recently found out that when my brother was flunking a class as a 17-year-old they told him if he could get a certain grade they would pay for driving lessons. He didn't so I never heard anything about it from them. When I was at that stage I had no idea they cared to that extent but I wanted to get good grades anyway. And they would be weirded out if either of us became religious. On the other hand my brother ended up spending the past three years trying to live off his artwork and living at home and they were worried but ultimately cool with it. Now he's making a success of it and has his own studio and they are immensely proud. Basically I think they're fine with whatever we do as long as we are happy, even though they do have thoughts about what will make us happy that give them cause for concern at times. And I don't really have any objections to that.

[Mathmo]

Yes, I think so.

- I was raised a Christian and am still a practicing Christian, albeit a slightly different flavour from how I was then, and a bit more liberal/tolerant (NB I think over the same 20+ years I've been alive my parents have also become more liberal/tolerant). I think this is partly due to learning more about the world but mostly due to growing up emotionally - as a kid/young teen I saw everything as very black and white, so I think whatever belief system I'd been raised with I would've been more judgmental when I was that age and more liberal now. Also my Dad sometimes finds it amusing that he was raised in a church with a very liturgical, "formulaic" format, and so ended up attending churches with "freer" formats, and then I've ended up really liking liturgy.

- I'm married, which I kind of assume they probably hoped I would be some day although it was never stated. Although it probably happened a lot younger than they would have planned, and I married the first guy I dated which also wasn't in their plan (but they are supportive of OH and me and have been throughout. We've been married nearly 5 years now!).

- I went to University, which is something I assume they always wanted for me (it was clear from when I was very young that I was an academic kid) and came out with a good degree from a good university. I think they think it's neat that I went to Cambridge, but it was never a kind of "you MUST go to a top Uni!" sort of thing. I remember it amusing my Mum when it would come up in conversation with coworkers that I was going to Cambridge and they would gush and treat it like this extra-special thing. I expect they're pleased that I ended up doing maths (as am I) because it so happened that the thing I was most interested in is also a degree subject that will look good on job applications and help me to support myself in future. I think they would have been supportive whatever I wanted to do, but because it was maths they don't worry. (My sister is currently studying art, graduating this year, and they support her but also I think they are a little more worried about whether she may find it more difficult to get jobs etc).

- I'm generally happy and well-adjusted. Sure, there are times of stress, but as a general rule I think I'm pretty mentally/emotionally healthy (this is partly the result of direct, specific work on my part - I know there have been suicides and anxiety disorders and things in our family, so I have worked quite hard to develop constructive patterns of thinking etc).

- I am honest and work hard. These are things I very much appreciate my parents instilling in me. Also a love of reading, from my Dad.

- We keep in contact quite a lot, which is nice. They came to visit yesterday, with my sister, and we went out to lunch and went to a park and climbed trees (well, they didn't actually climb the trees, but still). I probably actually see them around 4 times a year, and phone them around once a month. It helps that England is small - they only live ~2 hours' drive away.

I am my parents' child in many ways, and also many of the ways in which I have changed from how I was in childhood they have also changed. We have points of disagreement, but the disagreements mostly aren't important. I think I am a bit less credulous than they are, maybe especially with matters of faith (e.g. I'm more skeptical of "look at these things mentioned in Revelation, could they be X Y Z" type claims) but they don't jump into those kinds of things wholeheartedly either. Mostly I think my parents did an excellent job and I'm glad to know them as people, not just as parents. I think I am very lucky.

[drunken dragon]

I'm smart and capable, which my parents love. Unfortunately I'm identifying more and more with a religious stance of secular humanism, rather than Christianity. My mother worries for my immortal soul a lot. As far as everything else goes though, I think they're proudish of me.

[monk]

Let me say that I love this thread.

My mother worries for my immortal soul a lot. As far as everything else goes though, I think they're proudish of me.

I rewrote this in my head to say "Aside from spending eternity in hellfire I think they're okay with how I turned out"

[Tookie]

Pretty much, yeah, I think so. I've been thinking a lot lately about how my parents were/are very good about not pushing me in any given direction (especially in contrast to my partner's parents, or at least father, who for some time would only agree to pay for law or med school, or an MBA, and not the MA in Lit that he is going to start in the fall). I think they're excited that I want to go to grad school - my dad has his M.Eng., and encouraged me to "go as far as I can" in school, and my mom did a grad program in architecture, so they're solidly on board with the higher education thing. Every time I've told them about my plans for the future (which, admittedly, have changed often), they've been supportive. I'm sure my dad would have loved for me to go into engineering, but he never tried to push me into it.

They're also really stoked that I still sing in the church choir when I visit them, and will be overjoyed when I confirm with them that I'll be moving back to Vancouver.

I'm not officially out to them, which is a product of me being uncertain as to how they'd react to the idea of non-monogamy, rather than to non-heterosexuality, since I'm in a long term relationship. I don't, however, make much of an attempt to keep my sexuality a secret, and they know that I study queer theory and have lots of queer friends.

I also don't know how excited they'll be about the fact that my partner and I have no intention of getting married, although I think that they will be sympathetic to my views.

Basically, my parents are super good at the unconditional love thing and have given me pretty much unwavering support and they're great.

[drunken dragon]

My mother worries for my immortal soul a lot. As far as everything else goes though, I think they're proudish of me.

I rewrote this in my head to say "Aside from spending eternity in hellfire I think they're okay with how I turned out"

Yeah that's pretty much exactly how I meant it.

[demonicpoison]

-love Pokemon and just got my first pokemon cards a few days ago, and having been learning to play the card game with some of my friends. As far as I know, I haven't been possessed by any Asian demons yet.

Made even better by the fact that I'm playing Pokemon HeartGold on my nintendo DS as I write this.

I think you're great and I'm glad you've become the person you are today

[DWH]

I'd say mostly so. It's hard to tell, really, since I latched on to my dreams when I was pretty young, and my parents encouraged me to go for them. I remember my parents telling me, when I was maybe 9 years old and having a brief period of wanting to be a NASCAR pit crew chief (my best friend was going to be the driver, and I was going to run her crew, it was a good arrangement), that they really thought I'd like it more in art or graphic design, since I was always drawing cartoons all over everything. And then a few years later in middle school, when I tagged along to parent-teacher conferences for the extra credit, there was a conversation that I know I'll never forget. My mom sat me down with my art teacher, and after introductory pleasantries, she told him that I wanted to go into visual effects as a career. I was all of 14 years old at the time, but she thought it important that he know. And he looked at me thoughtfully and said, "It's a hard industry to get into... but I think she can do it." And, about 10 years later, I did.

My parents have always been supportive of me finding my own way. Even when I was a kid and they were taking me to Sunday school and such, they always told me that when I was older, I would have to decide whether or not I was going to take full ownership of it, because they could make me go to church, but they couldn't make it mean anything to me. As such, they didn't raise a fuss when I put my schoolwork and sanity ahead of midweek church activities, and let me find my own way in my faith. My dad briefly raised a fuss when I wanted to go to a crazy liberal hippie school, but my mom made him back off, and by the end of my second year my dad was bragging to his coworkers who had scoffed at Oberlin as a godless hell-hole about our tiny, but awesome Christian group.

Am I what my parents expected? Well, yes and no. I think they always expected I would grow up and work in a creative field, quite probably far away from them. I think they expected I'd keep my faith, which I have. I'm not sure if they expected I'd be married by now, but I'm pretty sure my dad was hoping. Were they expecting that I'd be involved in my church's arts ministry and that some of my best friends would be atheists, Baha'i, LGBT and all manner of folk that make midwesterners flip the heck out? Probably not.

Am I who my parents wanted me to be? I think they wanted me to be true to myself, and that is absolutely the daughter they have.

[Eravial]

My dad wanted me to be an engineer, which I'm not, but I'm still in the natural sciences so I think he's ok with it. My mom probably would rather I was Christian and not so promiscuous and hippieish and didn't use any drugs or drink much. They both probably would have rather that I'd done better academically in college, though I've done alright since sophomore year, so I think they're ok with that too. My dad would hate it if he knew I'd smoked about the equivalent of two packs of cigarettes in my life. I'm liberal and care about what's going on in the world around me, which is definitely something they wanted me to be.

I think I am more or less who they would want me to be, but I've been in the bubble of a highly ranked college which has kept me pretty on track with their plans for the past four years, so I think I have a much higher chance of greatly screwing up from their plans in the next few years where I actually have to do life. My dad has always wanted me to go to grad school, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen.

[branchpattern]

Even though I have my problems with my parents, I feel grateful to them in the respect that I never really felt pressure to be any certain way (except in respect to how I treat the other).

But I'm the ideal child anyway, so how could they complain?

[Aelwyn]

I think so, yeah, at least so far. They've always been pushing me to study hard & hopefully slip out of uni with a decent degree. I suppose I'm on track just now (I think...) My mum's really wanting me to go as far as I can, mainly since she dropped out of school early to study nursing, was told that she was too young & ended up working at the job she found from '74 'til two years ago in some furniture company.
I also went to church when I was younger until I was around 11-12ish where I was given the decision of whether I still wanted to go or not.
My mum knows I smoke & often joins in when I'm back at home. Pretty sure my dad knows too but he doesn't really mention it. & on the drinking side of things, I don't really think they care too much as long as I end up at mine/a friends in one piece.
But yeah, I get on pretty well with both of my parents, probably because they don't live together anymore and seem to be more themselves?

[Charli!]

I think my parents are proud of me, though i'm not sure i turned out quite as planned. They seem proud of my travelling, my attempts to learn other languages, that i got a degree, that I go running, etc.

I think the only things expected of me were that i would be straight, my other half would be white (which is currently true, but i think had i not been, they would have come round to the idea and been supportive eventually). And that I would get a degree (I was always academic). Religion would have surprised them.

[LunchBox]

No. However considering how much brother has ended up their expectations aren't so high anymore in extreme contrast to how it had been before. I do value education and I try to be a kind person. Although on the downside I gained more inner demons than good attributes from them, especially my mom. So short answer, no.

[Hufflepuff]

Does it jump out at anyone else that a lot of people around here came from hardline Christian upbringings? A lot of liberals tend to come from those sorts of backgrounds, I've observed. Which is hilarious; the harder you try to drill Christianity into your kids, the more likely they'll grow up to be the exact kind of leftist hippies you hate so much.

Anyway, to answer the topic title: no, thank god. As I mentioned offhand once, I'm a huge disappointment to my parents. If you've ever read Harry Potter, they're basically a non-cartoonish version of the Dursleys; they are utterly obsessed with normalcy. Very little about me is normal, and they always let me know how much that bothered them. When I was little, I was never allowed to dress how I wanted, I had to dress the way everyone else dressed. When my bedroom got smoke damage and had to be repainted, they made a pretense of letting me choose the color. I wanted black, because I suffer from dayblindness and it'd help keep my room super-dark. They wouldn't let me, because it was too "unusual."

They hated all my friends because I typically made friends with the weird kids. They implicitly and, on occasion, explicitly enforced gender stereotypes. For example, they wouldn't let me buy a purple Gameboy with my own money ("my own" as in "I earned it," too, not as in "they gave it to me"); I had to get the blue one.

I had some prostate problems when I was a teenager and for awhile, I could only pee comfortably if I sat down, and my father was absolutely beside himself about that. I mean, he lost sleep over it. And he let me know this was unacceptable behavior for a man. "Be a man," that was his line.

I enjoy cooking, and more specifically baking. Well that was just awful to them. Women cook in the house - though only men are paid chefs - and professionally or not, only women bake. WTF was my problem that I was baking? What would the neighbors think?! And when I wanted to dye my hair? They practically went into cardiac arrest.

I never dated in gradeschool, and they were always up in arms about that. A normal boy should date. Actually, the thing they were worried about most there was that I might be gay. Oh poor, poor them! Their son might be gay! How could those poor folk ever deal with such abnormalcy? Poor, poor them.

I actually, literally nursed injured animals back to health when I was a kid. Cute? Sweet? Nope. Weak. Unmanly.

The worst was probably when I checked out a book by Gloria Steinem. Apparently they were keeping tabs on what books I checked out. Anyway, they sat me down to "talk to me" in the same tone and gravity as when they told me my aunt died when I was seven, and put the book on the table and said they were sick with worry about my future.

No, that wasn't the worst, not by a long shot. The very worst of it all? When other people would tell me "they only want what's best for you." Or the supposedly-more sympathetic, but every bit as awful "they mean well, even if they might be a little misguided." Not as bad, but still incredibly irritatating is "I'm sure they love you deep down."

I mean, when I imagine having a child of my own, I can't possibly fathom ever telling - even if it's implicitly - my own baby, my own flesh and blood, that they're not good enough for me, that they need to change to suit my tastes. I'd feel like a monster, I'd never forgive myself. If they're doing something morally objectionable, sure, but...I mean, I just plain can't fathom what goes through a human's mind that could make them - with no shame or regret - treat their own child that way. Physical abuse is easier to understand.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining, I'm just answering the question, and saying that I really can't understand their behavior. Not complaining at all -- I always had all the food, shelter and clean running water I wanted. By all accounts, I had it good. Real good. Compared to other people in my own country, let alone people throughout the world. Just saying; I'm a pretty thorough disappointment to my folks. All they ever wanted was for me to be normal. And I'm not.

...

Man, this topic is depressing. Like, two out of twenty of us said "my parents always gave me unconditional love and everything's awesome between us." Everyone else had at least one thing that sort of makes them question their parents pride in and love for them. How fucked up is that? Seriously, what's wrong with us? Humans, I mean? That we treat our children like this?

I'm not being rhetorical, I literally don't understand it. I literally cannot fathom having a child of my own, and looking down into their eyes and feeling anything other than bursting love. I can't possibly imagine any human telling their healthy, happy, law-abiding child that they want them to change in any respect whatsoever.

And even if my child was stealing cars or something, I'd still love them with all my heart and soul. And screw society, screw everyone else on the fucking planet -- I'd only try to turn them away from actual crime because of the potential consequences for them, for my child, my baby, part of me, part of my flesh, part of my blood.

I get that "family" doesn't mean much to many people in my culture, that most people who are blood related are essentially complete strangers despite, but still. Even considering that, how much of a soulless monster do you have to be to be unhappy with your child because of something like their sexuality, or the way they dress, or their religious beliefs, or what career path they choose? It's beyond me. I just can't understand it.

[Sonic#]

They don't have to be a soulless monster at all. Please don't call my parents that.

It isn't all that surprising that parents might have desires for their children that are different than their children's. Many times, there's a lot of love even through the disagreements. And while sometimes that comes to an impasse, it's not because they're monsters.

[anonymousrabbit]

Like, two out of twenty of us said "my parents always gave me unconditional love and everything's awesome between us."

Well, then let me add a third. My parents are very good at supporting my choices in life, even if it is ones they would not make themselves. I'm also very lucky in that my parents would accept me no matter what. If I were gay, or trans, or non-gender normative or a different religion or any other major hot-button category, my family would not have any problem with it at all. I'm very lucky in that regard; not everyone has that privilege.

[lillerina]

My parents love me unconditionally, and although they haven't always understood me they've always supported me in my choices and I'm great friends with my parents now. I acknowledge that I am very lucky, but my parents and I get on great. I think I'm what they wanted me to be in that I'm healthy, happy and leading a fulfilling life, following my dreams, in a healthy relationship. I think they had a different career in mind for me, but writing makes me very happy and Literature does, too. Being a doctor or lawyer would probably have meant me making myself miserable. I'm sexually active, which they accept even though my mother has expressed that she had hoped I would save my virginity for marriage - I don't believe in virginity - but she's never expressed disappointment in me, just surprise. I'm also an atheist, whereas both of my parents are non-practicing Christians. I was raised to question authority and think for myself, and I came individually to the conclusion that there is no rational reason for me to believe in God, so I don't. Basically, I'm pretty much fucking awesome, and I think they wanted me to be that, so yes.

[Hufflepuff]

They don't have to be a soulless monster at all. Please don't call my parents that.

Nah, I'm good :p Though I should note, I wasn't thinking about or referecing your parents in particular when I said that.

It isn't all that surprising that parents might have desires for their children that are different than their children's. Many times, there's a lot of love even through the disagreements. And while sometimes that comes to an impasse, it's not because they're monsters.

I think it is. If ones child is healthy, happy, and not causing anybody else any harm, I can't see how any parent could possibly want anything else. Those things aside - and admitteldy, I'm not a parent, so maybe I just don't "get it" - I can't fathom how anyone could possibly want their child to be or do this or that. How can a parent even have desires for thier children aside from health, happiness and goodness, as it were? IMO, you have to be nigh-inhumanly egotistical and self-centered to want your healthy, happy child who doesn't hurt other people to, say, go into a certain career path, or dress a certain way, or have a certain sexual identity.

Maybe I'm just being emotional. Because what I'm imagining is holding my own child, my own flesh and blood, in my arms, and looking down into their eyes, and saying, "I wish you were different." And that's just utterly unconscionable to me. I would feel like a complete monster if I did such a thing. I mean, to me, love is either unconditional, or it's not love at all.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I understand what you're saying, Sonic, but to me, daydreaming "it'd be nice if little Suzy grew up to be a doctor" is different from Suzy growing up, becoming a graphical design artist, and thinking, "I wish she were a doctor instead." I mean, look at what lillerina just said. To me, that's awesome, that's great. Because note her wording - her mother "had hoped" she'd save herself, her parents had a different career "in mind." To me, that's totally different than "I wish you were different."

Does anybody understand what I'm saying? Am I the only one who feels this way?

[Butterfly North]

I think we're talking about instances in which a parent believes that the child is doing harm, perhaps to their own happiness or health or spiritual wellbeing or whatever.

I do feel differently to you. If I look down at little Suzy and see that she's being an asshole I'll be like 'Gee, I wish you weren't such an asshole all the time Suzy'.