Dads

[rowan]

Father's day is coming up, so let's have a little article about dads.

CNN has a nice little writeup about how the norms of dad life are changing; and how the tropes in the media portray them as "bumbling buffons" when it comes to raising a kid. Huggies, for example, aired a couple of commercials - and then due to a change.org petition has actually changed their direction, showing dads as loving competent parents. Like, whoa, man! A few other companies are doing it. However, the main stream media still overly portrays fathers as incompetent at raising children. In fact, most dads actually do a pretty decent job. It's not that they don't care for their kids, or don't want to help in raising them. They do. Admittedly they are fighting against a stereotype and there are probably fewer people teaching them how to be good dads from the time they are born. But parenting is a learned skill and many dads step up to the plate and do great.

Just as when women point out stereotypes that harm women, dads who fight against these stereotypes are often told to lighten up. They get hate mail too. (Of course, the quantity is far less, and they receive far more praise than women. Plus probably not with the rape threats.) Interestingly, if you read the comments on the CNN article (I don't normally recommend doing this for articles of course) most of the hate is directed toward women.

That's right, let me repeat that: Most of the hate is directed toward women, on an article encouraging the breaking of stereotypes for men. Women are called vipers, they are put down as "better at things like back seat driving" and more. Breaking down stereotypes is good for everyone. And it's hard for everyone. But apparently, it's women's fault no matter what.

I say: Go, dads, go. One step forward for breaking down the stereotypes for fatherhood, is a step forward for women as well. And someday, far in the future, it won't matter who is baking the cupcakes for the kid's birthday, or who is making the money - or if both parents are doing both things. It'll be up to the choice of the two people.

And those of you haters? You'll be left feeling miserable, because you don't have a nice balance in your life.

[Aum]

Thanks for reminding me about father's day. Even though my dad and I have a shaky relationship, I'll give him a call this weekend to wish him well. My dad was stay-at-home and definitely did not conform to the stereotype, although he was pretty lazy and expected my mother to do more work around the house than he did. I think traditional gender roles have done a real disservice to modern dads who are always striving to have equal relationships and have equal (or more) input in raising their children. Not to mention all the single dads out there. Yes, statistics still show that women bear the brunt of the work load and there are way more single moms, but singe dads still deserve recognition too!

[androkguz]

Your comment reminded me of this situation woman (can't remember who) was complaining about once upon a time:
She complained that when she went to the supermarket, with her two kids and her baby, no one would raise so much as an eyebrow. But when her husband went to the same supermarket carrying just the baby, he would get tons of praises for how "good a father" he is.
She was complaining (but in a light hearted, humorous, don't-take-me-too-seriously way) about how women have it clearly harder and all that. I remember that back then I replied her "I bet that the people praising him were all women". I was right, and she laughted (...I think).
We live in a good era to try to be good father. There is no excuse!

[Aum]

^ I find a lot of baby dads are hot. The fact that a guy is out with his kid shows he leans more toward being responsible, actively involved in his kid's life, maybe even likes fatherhood and caring for someone who needs him, etc... all traits that would be great to have in a prospective bf! Let's face it, the image that society paints of men is pretty bleak when it comes to caring for others, so I think it's heartening to see men doing this... especially if they are handsome on top of it. *grin*

[rowan]

She complained that when she went to the supermarket, with her two kids and her baby, no one would raise so much as an eyebrow. But when her husband went to the same supermarket carrying just the baby, he would get tons of praises for how "good a father" he is.

I complain about it too - because it should be seen as the norm for fathers to be chillin' out with their baby! The daycare we bring our kid to, I get comments (well I used to, we know all the teachers pretty well by now) about how good my husband is with her. But I look at the people dropping off their kids - there are a lot of dads, not just mine. And they all seem to be having a good time with their kids, and have good rapports with them. We all have to work on breaking out of that bias, I think. (I can't tell if that's what your friend was getting at or not

I find a lot of baby dads are hot.

lol I can totally see your point.... might be problematic for your dating pool though.

[androkguz]

I complain about it too - because it should be seen as the norm for fathers to be chillin' out with their baby! The daycare we bring our kid to, I get comments (well I used to, we know all the teachers pretty well by now) about how good my husband is with her. But I look at the people dropping off their kids - there are a lot of dads, not just mine. And they all seem to be having a good time with their kids, and have good rapports with them. We all have to work on breaking out of that bias, I think. (I can't tell if that's what your friend was getting at or not

I don't really remember very well the conversation, just bits and pieces and I don't even remember who she was. I think it was one of my mom's friends.
Anyway, I get what you are saying: it should be the norm.
Yet, until it is, moms that want it to be have 2 choices to motivate fathers: the carrot (praise fathers that are baby dads) or the stick (critique those who are not). And the more rigid the roles are in the given society, the less likely the stick is to work (and more likely it is to backfire). I think that this women in the supermarket knew this on some level.
Plus, there are lots of women that share Aum's about baby dads.
That's why I believe it is a good era to be a good father.

[njntrubl]

As a stay at home father myself, of lil spaceFem, I'm pretty sure I can run circles around most mothers while teaching their children sweet ninja moves.

[SakuraSong]

We could take this one step further. I actually used to have a lot of problems with my father (and posted extensively about them on the forum). Then I realized that sometimes, it's just as difficult for the father to bond with the child as it might be for the child to bond with the father - in part because of the stereotype that mothers are more caring and approachable, and that fathers should be aloof and stern. I admit it's hard to breach a 16 year communication gulf and fly against the face of convention, but it happened and we're all a happier family for it.

So dads, please, please do not be afraid of communicating with your kids. I see too many families where the father would be at a total loss were they to be alone with their own child without the mother present. It's hard to establish good communications, but it takes effort and it takes a lot. Because we actually got past that very awkward hurdle, we have a healthier relationship with each other, and he isn't as afraid to crack jokes with me as he might have been years before. Feels good, man.