Seeing the Gynecologist...

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sansspina
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Seeing the Gynecologist...

Post by sansspina » Tue Feb 25, 11:51 2003

Why I’m Calling a Witch-Doctor , Next Time


I have recently become involved, once again, with what we laughingly call the medical profession. In short, my blood pressure was not merely high, it rivaled the Do-Jones listings on the day they invented napalm. <h>

O.K. So here we go again…take off all your clothing …Excuse me? Huh? I gotta get naked for a B.P. cuff? A sphygmomanometer wishes to see my flabby frame au naturel? Hey, where are you planning to wrap that thing? Golly Gee whillikers…I have hypertension…what a drastic shock…As Warren Zevon says,”Take this medicine as prescribed.”

Right. Now, on a more historical note: back in the ‘60’s, we took a lot of pills…they made us feel good, sometimes they were even good for us. Frequently, they were even free…these days, we take lots of pills…Now we take lots of pills and they make us feel like recycled cat-manure and the price is enough to induce a relapse of whatever we had in the first place…what’s wrong with this picture, boys and girls?

Now for the good stuff…back in the old days, if a woman had her feet in the air, she was having a good time…now, she’s having a pelvic exam. “Just check under the hood, hon, I been hearing funny noises.”used to apply only to second-hand cars, not the female reproductive system .

So, here we go: lie flat, put feet in stirrups, stare at ceiling, think of England, haha…and above all, as the GYN says, “relax.” Gimme a break! I can’t communicate with the top of her head, let alone relax.

Poke-poke…prod-prod…and then it happens…she says, “OOPS”. If you have had your eyes closed, sister, those lids have snapped up like cheap window-shades. Trust me on this one. You strain all your neck ligaments craning up to ask, “Whatta ya mean…oops?” Doc Shock says, “oh, nothing…no (grunt, ugh, gasp) problem…just try to relax.” You do your very best to at least sound sane, serene and calm….meaning you only shriek a little bit…as you repeat, “What do you mean by oops…I know what I mean by oops…WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY OOPS?”

As she has the unmitigated gall to chuckle, the miserable misbegotten bitch, says, “No problem…I just dropped something.” By this time, of course, you are actually screaming…” What…my fucking ovaries????? Did my liver fall out? WHAT?” She replies, “ No, no problem, really…I can reach it…” OH, MY GOD…I don’t mind giving homes to stray cats but I’m not very happy with the idea of permanently housing some repulsive surgical instrument or, God forbid, a latex glove. I mean, I never even liked the idea of latex condoms….if I was meant to have rubber, I’d have been born a wealthy rubber plantation owner. ( On a stranger note…one of my visual flashes: a vast expanse of tree-trunks, Amazonian terrain…and hanging from all the branches, condoms…like teeny-tiny wind-socks…)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch: this purveyer of health (if not sanity) has merely dropped a lighted speculum. For those of you who don’t understand the word “speculum”, I don’t care…no, seriously, this gizmo is sized to patient accessibility and shaped like two duck-bills with a screw-hinge at the narrow end.

It is inserted while closed, thereupon to be opened like a tunnel to allow visual and manual exams to be done. Actually, by the time the usual (too large) speculum is fully dilated, the average woman could accommodate, no hands, a bowling ball, the Lawrence Welk Polka Band, and the entire cast of Les Miserables. Many women maintain that they acquired a flat head because they scooted up the table at the last minute…this is not our favorite occupation in life.

Oh, by the way…did I mention the rectal exam? My mom warned me about this sort of thing but only with guys…a fat lot she knew/

Personally, I figure, if I was meant to hang around in that position all day, I’d be out on Pacific Avenue and at least getting paid for it!!!! …
sans...
~~"To be penitent is to be almost innocent"...Seneca
Do not start with me...you will not win.

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Post by BCG » Tue Feb 25, 12:41 2003

This needs a lot of editing. How about we put it in "ranting"?
-Katrina
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:diamond: Hymens are a girl's best friend. :diamond:

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Post by sansspina » Tue Feb 25, 12:59 2003

Wherever you think is appropriate is great by me.
sans...
~~"To be penitent is to be almost innocent"...Seneca
Do not start with me...you will not win.

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Post by angry-amy » Tue Feb 25, 13:56 2003

i found it rather amusing and quite honestly wondered why it was on the ranting page to begin with.

as for me, i am 22 and still havent gone. people warn me about it all the time. you really should have gone by now.... what is your deal. i believe if something is wrong with me, and i am going to die... i would rather now know about it. let me die.

that and the fact that i am petrified of going. you want to put what? where?
"I am NOT an angry girl, but it seems that I've got everyone fooled. Everytime i say something they find hard to hear, they chalk it up to MY anger, and never THEIR OWN fear."
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Post by FernGully » Tue Feb 25, 14:44 2003

I'm never going to go. I'll hide for the rest of my life.
:fern:

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Post by MFS » Tue Feb 25, 15:45 2003

Hell, even I've gone to the OB/GYN...
It's a big world, and it never stays the same.
:spork: :apple: OMG I LOOOVES TO CHANGE MY SIGNATURE!!!!
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Post by sansspina » Tue Feb 25, 18:32 2003

Apropos of absolutely nothing:

When I was still in nursing, I worked for a time in the OB/GYN clinic here in town. After spending eight hours a day, staring at nothing but pudendums, it got to be a drag, so I left, for the nearest mental hospital, where I fit right in.

But in the meantime, women would speak to me on the street, and I'd never be able to figure out who they were, til I looked at their shoes. That's the only part of them I ever really saw...well, not quite the only part, but the only part I was likely to recognize on the street, unless they were standing on their heads.

And yes, my dears, you really do need an exam...if only so you can stop wondering abt how grim it really is...it isn't grim, it's actually funny in spots.
sans...
~~"To be penitent is to be almost innocent"...Seneca
Do not start with me...you will not win.

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Post by xenolai » Tue Feb 25, 19:29 2003

sansspina wrote: And yes, my dears, you really do need an exam...if only so you can stop wondering abt how grim it really is...it isn't grim, it's actually funny in spots.
I'll bet it's not funny when you're the one being examined...
It's sunny with a high of 75
Since you took my heavy heart and made it light
And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

Relient K, "High of 75"

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Post by sansspina » Tue Feb 25, 19:38 2003

Oh, yeah, it can be....if you enjoy the absurd. Here's this person (and my GYN is a woman) w/her head between my knees, and she persists in making small talk like we just met in the deli line at the local ShopRite. She's wearing what looks like a miner's hardhat, complete w/a nifty little lamp on the front, and I firmly expect that Rod Serling will pop in any hot minute to talk abt the Twilight Zone, in that really mellow voice of his.

What wasn't funny was when it showed up cervical cancer. That wasn't much of a laugh riot at all...but I'm still here. And I'm still raising hell...I can, however, mention that I do keep my appointments. I have no wish to live forever...but I do still have a few things left I'd like to do...
sans...
~~"To be penitent is to be almost innocent"...Seneca
Do not start with me...you will not win.

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Post by Turc » Tue Feb 25, 21:00 2003

I laughed the entire way through that article. :) Good job.

I am dreading the day I have to go to the Gyno. Of course, that's under the assumption that I ever become sexually active. Which is not, to say at this point, possible. :) :clitoris:
...still crazy, after all these years. : )

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Post by sansspina » Tue Feb 25, 21:36 2003

While I do not recommend it as a life-style, even nun's go for pelvic's...the one thing I haven't done yet <shudder> is have a mammogram. Sorry people. When men decide to voluntarily have their testicles crushed in a vice, then I shall let someone squish one of my boobs. Case closed!
sans...
~~"To be penitent is to be almost innocent"...Seneca
Do not start with me...you will not win.

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Post by severinatalyn » Tue Feb 25, 22:12 2003

Going to the GYN is never fun... especially when you're a virgin. I cried after my first exam. I usually let out a yelp during the pap smear. Somehow, I don't think scraping my cervix is going to help PREVENT cancer.
If I have to have my vagina stretched to the size of the Grand Canyon while a woman has her head between my legs... well, I'd prefer her to not be wearing rubber gloves and a white coat, if ya know what I mean. :crazy:

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