Things are No Bueno

[Bork]

Anxiety and depression are massively spiraling out of control and I don't know how to fix it. Things just keep piling up and getting worse and worse and worse. It's such a perfect storm of awfulness in my head right now and everything is just building on itself.

My stupid knee isn't magically better yet, and I got super out of the habit of going to the gym so I think I've gained at least fifteen pounds. I'm going to Paris and Santorini next week, and all I can think about is how gross and fat I'm going to look in pictures.

I'm so miserable at work. I started a new job in April and I fucking hate it so far. Most of the issue is that there's absolutely nothing for me to do other than sit around and be angry that they hired me when there's nothing to do and I feel so useless. I feel like I can never get it right when it comes to work and always keep making the wrong choices. I don't even know if I'd be happy there if I was busy. The work itself seems really frustrating - we're essentially middle men who have no control but are held completely responsible - and I'm not sure I really fit in socially. Although I think a major part of that problem is that what I really want to do requires grad school, which just seems so impossible. There are too many hurdles that I just don't feel like I will ever be able to overcome to make that happen.

I'm also becoming more and more unhappy with a friend of mine, and don't know how to fix it. She recently took over as captain of our softball team, and I really disagree with a lot of the things that she does to the point where I don't know if it's a team I want to play on anymore. Plus a lot of other little things that drive me crazy and are never ever ever going to change. I dunno. Maybe it's time to cut ties (which would probably be hella awkward because she and my boyf are close and she's actually the one who set the two of us up). I'm just tired of being friends with people who don't actually feel like my friend.


I dunno. I guess things will get better, although most of the time I feel like getting better means I just adjust to my new low and keep trudging on.

[octarineoboe]

I'm sorry, Bork. I wish I had a way to fix it. I hope you have a fantastic time in Paris and Santorini, pictures be damned.

[rowan]

That sucks, Bork, you can always hmu if you need to chat. Also I've been in a job like that it really sucked and was awful. I hope it gets better. OTOH remember jobs can just be there to pay the bills and let you do fun things. Can you find a therapist or someone to help with the depression? (I should take my own advice there too haha)

[Sonic#]

I hear you and cosign what rowan says. (Hope it gets better - jobs like that suck - could a therapist help?)

I'll just add that I've been experiencing the softball team problem with a gaming group of mine. I'm now an hour drive away and far busier, so biweekly gaming is a stretch with this group. Meanwhile, there are lots of little things that go on, like the GM almost backing out of every session and only confirming we have a game on very short notice, or fudging statistics and possibly die rolls. I like her as a person, and other aspects of this activity have been rewarding to me, so I'm on the fence. I don't have a good answer for what you should do with your friend.

[Eleusis]

sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

self care is so important (normally also, but especially when things are rough). be sure and treat yourself to things you know make you feel good, like a walk in the park (it doesn't have to be buying things!), just comforting and lovely things which you deserve! it's good that you vented here.

[geldofc]

Sorry.

[Neko]

Man that sucks... Feeling stuck like that would set off my spiral too. I'm sorry Bork.

If it's alright to offer a suggestion... Could going to the gym more be a way to disengage from the softball team (and annoying friend)? Like, "I don't want to mess up my knee again, team sports probably isn't a great idea right now. (Or with you again ever byeeeeee)"

[Aum]

This is kind of unrelated to what you're saying about your day to day problems... but I recently got my genetics done at 23andme and then plugged the raw data into a detox genetics analyzer. Turns out my body can't detox worth a damn and it's part of the reason why I'm prone to anxiety/depression. When I figured out which supplements to take to help with the mutated genes, the depression went away. It didn't fix my life but it fixed how I react to my life.

Just a thought.

[melsbells]

*Hugs* Has your knee allowed you to at least ride your bicycle? May things keep improving. *more hugs*