Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

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Gradguy

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Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Gradguy » Wed Nov 2, 1:04 2016

You are welcomed to say whatever you want to me. I feel really bad about this, advice would be great, but i really feel I need to at least come clean to someone.

I am a (male) TA instructor at a major university and I teach a group of 26 undergrads. They are mostly seniors and this is my first year of grad school so we are pretty close in age. Everything was going great until for some terribly dumb reason, when i was helping a student, I looked down her blouse and I think she noticed. I feel TERRIBLE about it and now I fear that she isn't comfortable around me anymore. I truly feel bad about it and I have sworn to myself never to do it again. But that doesn't change the fact that I have possibly made one of my students really uneasy by doing something totally stupid and disgusting. She didn't say anything but I noticed she fixed her shirt when i looked and kind of forgot what she was saying for a second. She is usually a great student but today - a week after it happened - she did not participate in class at all. I had never seen her so apathetic towards class. I feel like i failed her and I am very sad and disappointed with myself. Idk if there is something I could do or say. I wish she knew how bad I feel. Maybe then she would feel less violated and would at least know that my conscience hasn't let me forget it since it happened a week ago. It was totally stupid and misogynistic of me and now I have betrayed one of the people i was hired to teach and guide... I have a lot of female friends and I'm close to my mother and sister and even to some of my exes, and now I sort of feel like a fraud around my female friends, I think that if they only spoke to this girl they would think so differently of me. She probably thinks that I just feel like I got away with it and that I have no regard for her, but, in all honesty, I would do anything to take back what i did. I really hope she goes back to being the cheerful and participative student she was, but at the same time, I understand if she doesn't want to participate in my class again. I don't know what to do. I feel awful. I completely betrayed her as a teacher and she deserved better.

Is there something I could do to make the situation better? I am asking advice here in complete shame...
Last edited by Gradguy on Wed Nov 2, 1:26 2016, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by filmmakingally » Wed Nov 2, 1:20 2016

Gradguy wrote:Is there something I could do to make the situation better?
Yeah, don't do it again. :)

Also, I don't think you should beat yourself up about this. I mean, at least you're aware of the fact that you shouldn't have done it. I think the severity of the crime depends on how long you looked. The initial glance is kinda just instinctual and impossible not to do. So long as the initial glance lasted for barely a split-second, I think most women are aware of the fact that we literally can't help it. What's important is what you do after this initial split-second glance. If you continue to look, then yeah, that's very rude, because you did it by choice.

Anyway, I think the best thing for you to do is just apologize. If it were me, I would probably say something along the lines of, "Hey, the other day I looked at you inappropriately. That was very rude of me and I'm sorry that I did that. It's important to me that you feel comfortable in this environment, and I feel very bad that I did something that goes against that.". I don't know, something like that. I don't know you and I don't know her, and so your apology would of course have to be tailored to the specifics of your personalities and relationship, but it sounds like an apology is in line.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Gradguy » Wed Nov 2, 2:00 2016

Thanks,

Well, it was long enough for her to notice...

I've been thinking about apologizing but I'm not 100% sure that she is 100% sure that I looked so idk if an apology would just confirm things and make things more awkward. She was sitting and I was standing looking at her paper and then my eyes went somewhere else, I'm taking full responsibility for it, but it wasn't a planned thing. Then she looked up and i guess noticed, it wasn't more than 1 or 2 seconds but that's still pretty bad. She covered up right away and I realized what i had done. I went down to her level and we kind of continued the conversation, but I'm not sure she even understood what i was explaining at that point. The whole week I was hoping that when class started today she would act normal, but she didn't. But a part of me still hopes that maybe she was working on something for another class or something like that today.

I guess I'll wait until Thursday class. if she is still acting strange, I'll apologize. I just don't want to make things more uncomfortable.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Gradguy » Wed Nov 2, 2:17 2016

At the same time, I feel like students should be able to trust their instructors, and even if she has a 50% doubt that I looked at her in an inappropriate way, then that totally ruins the whole "trust" thing. So maybe i should apologize regardless. It's pretty scary, to be honest. but I do want to do the right thing.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Storage and Disposal » Wed Nov 2, 3:07 2016

It's clear you're anxious about it, which can make matters worse. She might understand an apology, but I'm guessing any further fixation on this would make matters worse. Bringing it up, even to apologize, may also show that you've been fixating on her and the situation, and by association her boobs, this entire time. I'd try to let it go. I wouldn't apologize. Doing so can make it go from bad to really bad pretty easily.
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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by DarkOne » Wed Nov 2, 4:41 2016

Gradguy wrote:At the same time, I feel like students should be able to trust their instructors, and even if she has a 50% doubt that I looked at her in an inappropriate way, then that totally ruins the whole "trust" thing. So maybe i should apologize regardless. It's pretty scary, to be honest. but I do want to do the right thing.
Just know that the apology may not restore that trust you feel is gone. Like the meme goes, you can't fix a broken glass by apologizing to it. Sometimes apologies are more about making the offender feel better about themselves, and an apology that disregards the best long term outcome may be misguided. I've been a graduate TA and I've been on the receiving end of sexual harassment from a professor and my advice is this: You are her TA. Your main job is to provide the best instruction possible in the subject matter; not to be her friend or most trusted adviser. In your shoes, and with the little information I have, I would stick to the TA job and be as professional and upright as I can can possibly muster, which would include distancing myself from any situation that might have even the appearance of impropriety. Keep doors open as much as possible, keep your distance, keep away from social interactions (not just with her, but with the entire class -- don't single her out), and keep your eyes up. And, unfortunately, I'd forego the apology at least for now, in favor of avoiding the topic of down-blouse peeking. If your instincts are correct and the glance made her uncomfortable enough to withdraw from class participation, then 1) I believe bringing up the topic would make her uncomfortable and 2) her distancing herself from class is the price you're going to have to pay for the slip. Get her, and the the rest of your students, through the semester.

EDIT: After the semester is done, If you feel that you must, revisit the idea of the apology and see if you think it's still worth it. But I think the apology is a bad idea. I think it's a bad bad idea to get her 1-on-1 and put her in a position to be vulnerable and have to revisit something that was potentially very uncomfortable for her. If you absolutely, *absolutely* must get it off your chest, do it generically, and consider a group apology ("Class, I've really enjoyed being your TA this semester, I've learned a lot along the way. If I have done anything that has made any of you feel uncomfortable, I regret it and I hope it didn't affect your studies and I apologize for it." I wish you all success in your career. If you ever need my help, I'm here".... skip the "I hope we can be friends") And, just in case, I still think it's a bad idea.

Edit #2 -- What I do think was a good idea was to come here to vent/gain perspective. :)
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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by filmmakingally » Wed Nov 2, 5:03 2016

I'd be curious to know the advice of women. I could be wrong, but this thread has felt like a sausage-party so far.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by DarkOne » Wed Nov 2, 5:57 2016

filmmakingally wrote:I'd be curious to know the advice of women. I could be wrong, but this thread has felt like a sausage-party so far.
While I enjoy a good sausagefest as much as the next guy, mine was advice from a woman. :)
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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Taurwen » Wed Nov 2, 10:23 2016

I tend to agree with DarkOne. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if a TA cornered me and wanted to talk about how badly he feels about that shitty thing he did. It'd be enough for me to consider not going back to class. And again like DO said, I'd feel like he just did it to assuage his own guilt and I'd be pissed off about it.
After the semester might be a better time to say something... but even then I'd probably not.
And there's very little I dislike less than the idea that men have to look, it's instinctual. Because I'm not straight, I've looked at women a lot, sometimes without meaning to. But under no circumstances have I ever tried to excuse the behaviour by saying I couldn't help it and expected it to actually do anything but make matters worse. In no way does it make a man look better to say "I couldn't help it, it's just instinct." It's like admitting you have no impulse control and we should expect much less from your gender than we do dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals. Besides, letting your mind wander and checking out a person in public is much different than doing so when you're in a position of power and have been tasked with something as important as guiding their education (which they are probably paying handsomely for).

That being said, learn from your mistake. It sucks, but it shows character that you caught yourself and feel bad about it. Coming here to vent/discuss it is a fantastic thing that I think is commendable.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by filmmakingally » Wed Nov 2, 11:54 2016

On the issue of the apology, I've changed my mind, for whatever that's worth. Dark One and Taurwen have made some very good arguments against it and their logic makes sense to me.
Taurwen wrote:And there's very little I dislike less than the idea that men have to look, it's instinctual. Because I'm not straight, I've looked at women a lot, sometimes without meaning to. But under no circumstances have I ever tried to excuse the behaviour by saying I couldn't help it and expected it to actually do anything but make matters worse. In no way does it make a man look better to say "I couldn't help it, it's just instinct." It's like admitting you have no impulse control and we should expect much less from your gender than we do dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals.
You can dislike it all you want, but humans are sexual animals, by definition. Look, all I know for sure is my own personal experience. And in that, I can tell you, without any uncertainty, that if my peripheral vision catches a glimpse of a womanly figure my eyes are going to look in that direction, and it absolutely is not something that I have complete control over. And just to be clear, I'm only talking about a glance that lasts less than a split-second, because that's the amount of time it takes me to realize that it'd be inappropriate for me to continue looking.

When a woman is showing cleavage, a straight man has to tell himself in his mind to maintain eye contact. Seriously, we actually have to focus on not looking down because we totally want to look down. The OP made the mistake of not doing this, and that was wrong, and he knows it. All I'm saying is that this does not make him a horrible person, it just makes him human.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Unvoiced_Apollo » Wed Nov 2, 12:38 2016

filmmakingally wrote: You can dislike it all you want, but humans are sexual animals, by definition. Look, all I know for sure is my own personal experience. And in that, I can tell you, without any uncertainty, that if my peripheral vision catches a glimpse of a womanly figure my eyes are going to look in that direction, and it absolutely is not something that I have complete control over. And just to be clear, I'm only talking about a glance that lasts less than a split-second, because that's the amount of time it takes me to realize that it'd be inappropriate for me to continue looking.

When a woman is showing cleavage, a straight man has to tell himself in his mind to maintain eye contact. Seriously, we actually have to focus on not looking down because we totally want to look down. The OP made the mistake of not doing this, and that was wrong, and he knows it. All I'm saying is that this does not make him a horrible person, it just makes him human.
As a shy straight man, I really hate this idea that my gaze is the result of something sexual. All it does is continue to do a disservice to both men & women, leading to a terrible impresion of the guy and an understandably unsafe feeling for the woman.

The truth is, dependent on the person, our eyes do move a bit randomly and our gaze sometime ends up in an inappropriate spot. It doesn't mean it's a case of sexual attraction. It just means we looked in a place we didn't mean to. What matters is recognizing why & controlling my impulse after realizing what happened.

I'll admit to breaking eye contact & noticing while my date wore something with a low neckline, but it wasn't in a manner of sexual intent. I just happened to look in that direction as my eyes went to something else (usually to look at my drink/dish).

The point is, I think it's a mistake to chalk it up to sexual behavior. It sounds to me like the OP just wasn't aware of where he was looking & by the time he realized it, it was too late. It wasn't impulse brought in by the sexual directive. It was just eyes doing what they do: looking. That's all I have to say.

The OP understandably feels guilty about making the young woman feel uncomfortable, but he's received good advice I can't really add to.

/hijack

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Gradguy » Wed Nov 2, 14:27 2016

Thank you all so much for the advice.

She wasn't wearing something inappropriate. She was wearing a perfectly suitable shirt for class that just bent the wrong way when i was standing over her. I feel like I noticed it and then looked further. Noticing is normal, but I am an adult and do have control of my impulses and I feel that looking further was wrong, even if it wasn't for more than one or 2 secs max. I don't really feel attracted to any of my students. I think it was just curiosity... idk... it was really dumb. But I feel it is something that I can and will control in the future.

That doesn't change how she might feel right now, though. I understand that an apology might make her feel worse. I was fearing the same thing. And I understand that an apology might come across as me trying to make myself feel better about it. And to an extent, it's true. But in all honesty, I'm genuinely concerned about how she might be feeling. She is a really polite and good student. She is actually one of my best students. I feel like she has gone above and beyond as a student and i completely betrayed her as a teacher.

I know there is no answer. I messed up and must face the consequences. But I hate to think that the consequences might affect her too. I am not a TA in the sense that I don't "assist" a teacher. I'm the sole instructor for my class and I'm the only one she can come to if she has a question. If she feels uncomfortable with asking me questions, then she is at a really unfair disadvantage that i put her in.

When it happened, i felt bad right away, but as the week went on I convinced myself that she might not be sure if it happened and that things would be fine tuesday. But she was really quiet yesterday and I started feeling terrible. Maybe it's just my guilt and something else was going on with her...

I know it doesn't mean much but I didn't even see anything. Just her bra and some minor cleavage. It was really dumb, and now I feel like i ruined one of my students' experience in my class.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Gradguy » Wed Nov 2, 16:33 2016

If you girls had a TA, who was pretty good and helpful for most of the semester, and when there was a month left of class he looked down your shirt in a way that made you uncomfortable, is there a way he could revindicate himself during the month that is left? at least a little bit?

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Eravial » Wed Nov 2, 17:41 2016

Gradguy wrote:If you girls had a TA, who was pretty good and helpful for most of the semester, and when there was a month left of class he looked down your shirt in a way that made you uncomfortable, is there a way he could revindicate himself during the month that is left? at least a little bit?
Not by any direct action towards me, and depending on a lot of other context, maybe not at all.

One idea that might help is to do something that helps to address the systematic problem of harassment in science/academia, without looking for approval from her. When I TA, if there's an event coming up that I think/hope some of the undergrads might be interested in, I'll often make an announcement at the beginning of class informing them of it. If there is any event, resource center, course, training session, free online training you (probably) had to do for your program, etc. that addresses sexual harassment in academia, you could make a similar announcement, i.e.: "I wanted to let you all know about this resource/event/etc since sexual harassment and discrimination in academia are still highly prevalent. This is especially important for the guys, even those of us who think we do pretty well, because there are always ways we can learn to do better." You could throw in something else like that guys need to take responsibility for calling out bad behavior in others, educating themselves, etc. When you say this, don't try to gauge her reaction, don't make her feel like it's about her, don't say anything about you making a mistake in that class, and be 100% ok with the fact that it may not have made her any more ok with the situation. For me, this would help because you are acknowledging that you have faults (but not a specific one) while taking a proactive step to help address the culture that makes such glances so common and uncomfortable for women.
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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by rowan » Wed Nov 2, 20:13 2016

Here are my thoughts as a woman in higher education, who is a professor, who has experienced "weird vibes" from various people in positions of power.

Most likely your student was uncomfortable. She probably noticed. This may or may not been why she was uncomfortable or quiet in class, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

She is probably second guessing herself about it. If when you taught class today, you didn't do anything different from normal, didn't pay extra attention to her or avoid her when you otherwise would have, then maybe* things will be ok. See how things go in class. Definitely don't do it again.

Proactive things you can do:
what Eravial suggests, though it might sound weird if you haven't been talking about this stuff all semester (I recommend talking about the social aspect of science throughout the semester anyway) and might sound like it's singling out her experience.
Definitely always keep (literal) doors open any time you meet with students (this is good practice anyway).
Remind all your students that if anyone has concerns or issues they are welcome to talk to you or your chair if they don't feel comfortable with that; you want them to all succeed, etc. At a different time you could do a quick snappy minute paper asking what's working well for them in your class and what's not working for them (all your students); maybe she'd feel safer writing something there? Maybe not though.
You could enlist the help of someone else to ask if she's ok or if something else is going on *if* she continues to be quiet.
Is there anyone else who teaches the same class but a different section? Could she potentially switch or at least go to them for questions outside of class? A good way to actually apologize would be to give her a way out of your class with no consequences.
Talk to your chair about potential issues. Seriously your chair will want a heads-up. Unless your chair is a jackass then maybe some other faculty who can give you advice. Maybe talk to HR, though I find they are sometimes less useful than one might like. Or campus counseling? I bet someone in some office can give you some advice. Not gonna lie both campus counseling and HR are going to be looking out for the institution's best interests, not the student's. so be aware of that.

In the end, if she's just being quiet but not participating but still doing the work and getting A's on the tests/quizzes I'd just let her be quiet.

Lastly: don't beat yourself up too much. Just don't do it again. We all fuck up sometimes; the way to fix it is to grow from the experience.
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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Alison369 » Wed Nov 2, 23:34 2016

WHAT
OMG

Do not feel bad about this.
It's basic instinct, and sexuality.

You know, we look at men the same way.

Again, don't feel guilty. My god...
Feminism shouldn't be about shaming men for having perfectly natural desires.

It's human nature.
I feel quite flattered when guys check me out tbh ;) hehe....
~ Not in a "attention seeking way". It's just nice that other find me attractive.


We have to lay off guys that do this thing.... We have to stop making them feel bad for looking at females, as men normally should.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by filmmakingally » Thu Nov 3, 3:07 2016

Alison369 wrote:WHAT
OMG

Do not feel bad about this.
It's basic instinct, and sexuality.

You know, we look at men the same way.

Again, don't feel guilty. My god...
Feminism shouldn't be about shaming men for having perfectly natural desires.

It's human nature.
I feel quite flattered when guys check me out tbh ;) hehe....
~ Not in a "attention seeking way". It's just nice that other find me attractive.


We have to lay off guys that do this thing.... We have to stop making them feel bad for looking at females, as men normally should.
OMG, thank you. I feel like some people in this thread are downplaying how important sexuality is to the human experience. It basically makes the world go 'round. I realize that everyone is an individual, and so of course we experience sexuality on different scales of importance, but I believe it to be huge for pretty much everyone. Especially dudes. It's just our natural state of being.

Look, just be as polite as you can, don't be an asshole, and don't beat yourself up for being human. Just do what you can to be a better human. :)

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Aum » Thu Nov 3, 5:18 2016

I don't think you did anything wrong. Looking is not assault, it's just socially taboo in our prudish society. So yeah, you've created an awkward situation, but I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. It's not like you overtly made moves on her or tried to ask her out.

I don't see what the big deal is. I mean yeah, try to overt your eyes in the future and maintain professionalism, but what you did is human nature.
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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Sonic# » Thu Nov 3, 8:42 2016

I wish recent repliers would listen to the OP, who has decided for himself what was "normal" or "natural" and what crossed the line.
Him:
Noticing is normal, but I am an adult and do have control of my impulses and I feel that looking further was wrong, even if it wasn't for more than one or 2 secs max. I don't really feel attracted to any of my students. I think it was just curiosity... idk... it was really dumb. But I feel it is something that I can and will control in the future.
A few other people:
Allison369 wrote:We have to stop making them feel bad for looking at females, as men normally should.
filmmakingally wrote:OMG, thank you. I feel like some people in this thread are downplaying how important sexuality is to the human experience. It basically makes the world go 'round. I realize that everyone is an individual, and so of course we experience sexuality on different scales of importance, but I believe it to be huge for pretty much everyone. Especially dudes. It's just our natural state of being.
Aum wrote:I mean yeah, try to overt your eyes in the future and maintain professionalism, but what you did is human nature.
The question wasn't whether sexuality is a part of human experience, or whether such behaviors are "normal" or "natural." The OP feels like he looked more than is normal and made the student uncomfortable. Each of these responses misses that looking at people isn't just a neutral expression of sexuality. It's loaded with power dynamics. When I'm teaching in the classroom, I'm in a position of leadership. Students trust me to put the primary focus on learning. If it even looks like my focus goes elsewhere, of course that would raise apprehension among students. At best, it would appear I'm not primarily focused on teaching them.* At worst, it looks like I'm using my position to take advantage of them, that teaching was never my goal. That student has every right to react as if the latter is a possibility.

Acknowledging all of this isn't prudish or anti-sex. It's protective.

I see the OP acknowledging that he crossed that line and wondering what he can do to reassure the student that he didn't intend to do so. It sounds like it's too late for an apology or other direct intervention with the student, but he can do what DarkOne, rowan, Eravial, and others recommended. Also, small, practical things can help: maybe you pull up chairs when you talk to students so it doesn't look like you're going down their blouse. (Bonus: positionally you're then at their level, talking to them instead of down to them.). Like others, I don't think you should unnecessarily beat yourself up over it. It happens.** Do better.

*I once got an end-of-the-semester comment from a student who felt I didn't want to meet with them, because I kept looking at the time. It doesn't matter why I was doing that.

**It happens whether it's "natural," "normal," a socially ingrained response, or some combination of all three.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by rowan » Thu Nov 3, 9:26 2016

What Sonic# said.

And I will reiterate that power dynamics are important, and that this has (potentially) negatively impacted the student.

And no one is shaming in here, in fact I see a lot of reassurance, along with ideas of how to address the impact.

We do a lot of talking about how "intentions aren't important we have to look at the impact" and let's not lose sight of that, ok? Let's not minimize the impact by saying "haha it's ok it just happens!" without going the next step.
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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Gradguy » Thu Nov 3, 19:25 2016

We are sexual beings. But that doesn't mean that we have the right to express our sexuality whenever and with whoever we want.

Thank you so much for the advice to all.

We had class again today and, to my relief, she seemed much more normal. She raised her hand once and laughed along with the other students at two jokes I made. I feel like she wouldn't have laughed if she totally hated me (the jokes weren't that funny.)

I think it was a good call to tell me not to apologize. I really wanted to but that would have made it official. At this point, she might even be questioning if it even happened.

I still feel bad about it, she was uncomfortable, it wasn't my imagination. No one covers themselves and forgets what they are saying for a second for no reason. And she wasn't as participative as usual today either. but I saw some signs of hope.

I thnk I have to take it one day at a time. Not push her to participate if she seems out of it. Sometimes i do that with other students but I don't think I should with her for now.

The only defense I can make for myself, in all fairness, is that I think we (guys teaching my course) are put in a much more vulnerable position for this kind of thing than other teachers. we are supposed to walk around the class and help students with the exercises. They raise their hands and we go to their tables. Today, five girls raised their hands (I counted.) Nothing happened but after this whole thing, I honestly felt a bit uncomfortable with them. I did try to shift my position and keep more of a distance. I'm not washing my hands but I do feel that this wouldn't have happened if my class had more of a lecture dynamic. I have to be more careful in the future.

(The girl raised her hand to answer a question, not to ask for help so I didn't go to her today)

Anyway, hopefully, she will be okay - maybe won't trust me like before - but at least won't feel too uncomfortable in class.

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm glad I posted here.

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Aum » Sat Nov 5, 12:11 2016

Gradguy wrote:We are sexual beings. But that doesn't mean that we have the right to express our sexuality whenever and with whoever we want.
Meh... I think you're being too hard on yourself. A look is not "sexual expression", it's just a look. Yeah it's an awkward situation but... it's not like you meant to do it.

I find your posts really self-abasing over nothing.
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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by garbage videos » Sun Nov 6, 11:03 2016

This thread reminds me of SNL.

https://youtu.be/KLHS2GNp5DA?t=1455 (24:15)

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Nachos
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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Nachos » Sun Nov 13, 7:01 2016

So, now that we've discussed the issue you came here to discuss, would you like to properly introduce yourself? There is a handy guide in the READ FIRST sticky at the top of this forum.
Ugh, I'm tired of my signature.

Gradguy

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Re: Feeling really guilty. Need to confess

Post by Gradguy » Sun Nov 13, 12:41 2016

Your username, nicknames, how to pronounce it: Gradguy is fine
Occupation/Potential Occupation:I'm a filmmaker doing my Masters in film. I also teach Spanish at the university and work as a video editor.
Educational Status: Working on my Masters
Notable Hobbies:Tennis and Guitar playing
Favorite color: Red? Not sure
Favorite animal: Capybara
Favorite food: Capybara...
If you are wearing pants, please describe them: lol in my boxers right now.
What brought you to spacefem/how'd you find us? I needed advice from women about a mistake I made and didn't feel comfortable talking about it with friends.
Did you find the FAQ link? yes

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