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jilljmisery

Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 22:54 2003
Location: The kareoke party in mah head.

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Post by jilljmisery » Sat Jan 3, 12:48 2004

Alrighty, something I just wrote, feel like I need to have someone read it soooo I just figured to post it here. Critisizim (Sp? bleh) Is greatly welcomed and appreciated! ~Jill


The soft expanse of
My lips
pressed tightly, softly, manicly and peacefully
to yours.
But I could never have that.
I fear I will never have that.
You say that I am your sun.
And I say that if I am your sun I should surely burn you.
If,
you stay with
Me, too
Long.
I,
Refuse.
to burn you.
But that
means I
must lose you.
I,
Refuse.
So, I catch myself with
My Catch 22.
I know I've already
burned you.
Delicately, painfully
Permanently.
Forgive me please.
I,
I could never find apologies dear enough to grant your forgiveness.
Yet,
I still
Hope.
All I can
ever have is
Hope.
Poetry and the soul are one.

Mmmm Pineapple Juice... What. What's pine-y or apple-y about a pineapple anyways!?

Counsel_prophet is mah sexy beast!!! ^_^

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drunken dragon
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Posts: 1617
Joined: Mon Dec 23, 18:21 2002
Location: the bar on the sketchy side of town

Post by drunken dragon » Sat Jan 3, 12:58 2004

Nice poem. I really don't have any criticism for it right this minute, since I just got up a bit ago and am still adjusting to the shock that is wakefulness. There's really not much difference in this dark little room, though... oh well! It's a nice poem, to me. Kind of expresses how I've been feeling about someone lately... :brokenheart:
It will do you no harm to find yourself ridiculous.
Resign yourself to be the fool you are.

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Kippt
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Posts: 496
Joined: Sun Nov 30, 20:28 2003
Location: ...almost at the finish line! *gasp*

Post by Kippt » Sat Jan 3, 21:42 2004

Okay, don't spread
out
your
words
all
like
this.

The words itself, I like.
:) Smile :) because it makes the world a better place.

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Kippt
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Posts: 496
Joined: Sun Nov 30, 20:28 2003
Location: ...almost at the finish line! *gasp*

Re: A Burn Will Always Heal

Post by Kippt » Sun Jan 4, 8:56 2004

counsel_prophet wrote:You are indeed the most wondrously human of the celestials
Your warmth pulses with the caring and loving nature of your soul.
Your heart endears you to me.
If I am burned, it is of my own choosing,
My own risk.
What sacrifice is this when I live only because your light grants it?
It is inevitable for one working beneath your tireless rays
That pain will occur eventually.
It is inevitable for all of humanity.
I bear it gladly.
Yes, I have been burnt,
My skin has been scathed, my body restless
With the searing itch that spreads from within.
But what price is this to pay,
Compared to the hope you give to me,
The warmth you inspire in me,
The growth you seed and nurse in me.
It is a price that I would pay,
Time and time again, until infinity ends,
Just to feel the soft brush of your tender rays on my face.
And with every word of kindness and of nourishment you give to me,
You caress me with these rays.
You are truly the centre of my universe
I exist because your wondrous care feeds and nurtures me
I would bear the hot pain of those rarest oversights
With never a word against you
Just to keep your light brightly on me,
With me, in me.
You need never ask my forgiveness.
I have granted it to you a thousand times and a thousand times over
And I will never retract it, it is yours.
Look down to me, and find no need for Hope.
Find only love.
Erm...*gasp* Look! It's a poem inside a poem!
Okay, I'm guessing you want people to critisise this. Fact is, no one will be able to see that lovely poem when it's posted in another topic unless they read the original poem. To solve this horrific problem? Simple. Start a new topic, title it, and put in your lovely piece of work. :)

Edit: I just noticed it's your first post. Welcome to spacefem! Run yourself over to the New Members section and introduce yourself to the spacefem world. Read the FAQ while you're at it and have fun. :P
:) Smile :) because it makes the world a better place.

jilljmisery

Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 22:54 2003
Location: The kareoke party in mah head.

Post by jilljmisery » Sun Jan 4, 16:03 2004

Kippt wrote:Okay, don't spread
out
your
words
all
like
this.

The words itself, I like.
Now that I'm looking over it I think I did space some of it out too much.. I'm keeping some of the choppy-ness, but some of it will be condensed.. Thanks for pointing that out!
Poetry and the soul are one.

Mmmm Pineapple Juice... What. What's pine-y or apple-y about a pineapple anyways!?

Counsel_prophet is mah sexy beast!!! ^_^

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