It might be time for a baby.

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lovernotafighter
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It might be time for a baby.

Post by lovernotafighter » Thu Sep 14, 10:55 2017

What do you do when you come to a point in your life when you decide it's time to have a child? But there is not a chosen specific partner in place?

You do not know the future. So, you cannot predict when you will meet a partner.

But your being says, "now is your time to have a child".

You know you do not want to end up without a partner with whom to love and love your child. But you cannot avoid this specific timing of this particular part of your destiny?

I do not know with whom I will share my child? But I do know that this is the right timing for a child.

I am afraid.
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Re: It might be time for a baby.

Post by Aum » Thu Sep 14, 15:17 2017

I get asked this question a lot in my clinical practice, by women in their 30's who are coming in for fertility treatments and general pregnancy preparation. The instinct for them is very, very strong and some will do anything to get pregnant, regardless of preparation or adequate partnership. One of my best friends, who I met when she was 29, told me back then that she didn't want kids or the stereotypical family lifestyle. By 36 her attitude completely changed and she became almost obsessed with finding a partner and starting a nest.

So I totally empathize with you. And yes, men have this drive too, but I think for women it's a whole other ball game.

Realistically, can you keep waiting? I know there's that intense feeling of the clock ticking but also keep in mind that part of it is innate biology trying to drive you to do this. You generally shouldn't have a child unless you can afford it and support it, right?

From working with women and promoting fertility, I've observed that the intensity of the reproductive urge starts to taper off in the early 40's. It's super strong in the mid-30's, so much so that it seems soul crushingly important. But the reality is that some women don't meet an adequate partner and it just doesn't happen. Can you psychologically prepare for that possibility too? You are a 100% valuable human being regardless if you have a child or not. There is also adoption which could extend your parenthood range into the rest of your entire life.

I guess in a nutshell... I would question that logic of "this is the right timing". It's the right timing because biology is trying to make you feel that way. It creates a sense of urgency that may not be real. I've seen it a million times. My own sister had two kids before she could really afford them, because of this is trick of nature.
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Re: It might be time for a baby.

Post by geldofc » Fri Sep 15, 7:21 2017

it might be arrogant but if you have the resources a one-parent household can probably be great.
society holds a father figure in such high esteem. they can cause a lot of harm too. i hear it all the time. so i've been trying to unlearn it.
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Re: It might be time for a baby.

Post by rowan » Fri Sep 15, 12:26 2017

I know someone who totally did this, but also had resources (and family support) to do. I think she got a donor like people do with fertility treatments and went from there. But again, resources and support (doesn't have to be family but kids are HARD and support is good). I think it's pretty rare though and there will probably be Judging (there is always judging but this kind of judging can be really nasty).

I do get that sometimes the biology is like PROCREATE NOW DAMMIT but make sure you've got what you need first.
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Re: It might be time for a baby.

Post by melsbells » Fri Sep 15, 12:58 2017

I also know a single mother who used a sperm bank. Her life was stable and she had lots of family support. She didn't see the point in waiting for a relationship before having a kid. To get an idea if your life is stable enough to bring a child into it, you could compare the minimum requirements for adopting. In the U.S., income needs to be 125% of the national poverty level for the size family you will end up with. That's around $20,000 a year for a family of two.

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Re: It might be time for a baby.

Post by Jackninja5 » Sat Sep 16, 1:49 2017

I don't actually know. I'm asexual so having a child may become a bit of an issue for me some time in the future.
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Re: It might be time for a baby.

Post by Aum » Sat Sep 16, 6:50 2017

Seems like two parent families, or at least families that have a solid, stable, visibly consistent community of more than one person long-term, lead to better child rearing. I would think carefully before willingly entering single motherhood.
geldofc wrote:society holds a father figure in such high esteem. they can cause a lot of harm too.
Misandry at its finest.
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Re: It might be time for a baby.

Post by Sonic# » Sat Sep 16, 7:59 2017

I got curious on the question of single parent families. Definitely, I think financial stability or having some sort of support network (family, friends) is better than not having it.

I found this article ( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4886836/ ). The article does point out that several factors adjust child adjustment, like finances and parental stress. Merely being a single parent? Not a factor:
The findings suggest that solo motherhood, in itself, does not result in psychological problems for children.
The lit review at the beginning of the article adds some specificity here. What seems hard on kids is not single parenthood itself; it's often the divorce that results in a single parent being involved.
These studies have consistently shown that children whose parents divorce are more likely to show emotional and behavioral problems than are children in intact families (Amato, 2000, 2001, 2005; Coleman & Glenn, 2009; Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999; Pryor & Rodgers, 2001). However, the children’s difficulties appear to be largely associated with aspects of the divorce, rather than single-parenthood, in itself.
Then there are people who become single parents, but not by choice. That's also rough, often because these parents lack the financial stability and stability to do well. So the article is really looking at single parents by choice. They can raise children as well as two-parent households.

I find that result interesting because it means that the flaw with single parenting isn't the fact that there aren't two parents (i.e., there's no "solid, stable, visibly consistent community that can only be had with two parents") but that single parenting (like any other parenting) only begins to suffer when the financial resources or parental knowledge is lacking, or when relationship conflict puts stress on parents and kids.

I think that hits on what both rowan and mels are saying. Having the resources is vital to succeeding as a parent. If you have them and want to pursue single parenthood, you can probably make it work.

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