I might be pregnant...

[curlybae]

I might be pregnant but my partner didn't know that I stopped taking birth control pills. I am constantly giving hints about it but my partner doesn't seem to notice. Also, we are having frequent conversations about how to bring up our future kids. Would we let them explore their individualities at a young age or we should stick to the traditional conservative roles until they are old enough to decide for themselves? What's your opinion on this matter?

[Taurwen]

Well my personal opinion is that telling your partner you're on birth control then getting off it without warning is removing their consent.
Dropping hints about something they have no reason to think has happened is obviously not going to work. Why would they suspect you're pregnant if you're on birth control? On if you did have an accidental baby, presumably you'd have let them know right away.

As for the rest I'm not a fan of traditional roles, I'm not even sure how they are supposed to play out with young children.

[Sonic#]

Dropping hints about something they have no reason to think has happened is obviously not going to work.

I'll second this. Any decisions about contraception should be discussed explicitly. Dropping hints is not clear communication - it doesn't give your partner any say in what's going on.

Your profile says that you have two kids already - how do they relate in this situation? And what have your experiences been raising them?

[curlybae]

We are currently in a tricky situation right now because of business issues. I and my partner are planning to have our third baby but we haven't decided when we should try again. I should have told him right away that I stopped taking pills. But I was afraid to let him know.

Our kids are free to express themselves however they want but my mother-in-law is very conservative. She always visits in our house so I can't help but always take her complaints. After reading [link removed due to possible spam], my partner is suggesting that as a family unit, we should try different therapeutic techniques to help us deal with daily stresses from work and taking care of our family. I guess that won't be such a bad idea.

[rowan]

She always visits in our house so I can't help but always take her complaints.

Not sure what you mean by this?

Personally, I think letting kids express themselves without forcing gender roles is best, but honestly one thing that you will find is that if you don't want the usual societal roles seeping in you have to fight back all the time. If you just let kids be kids, external factors will force them into the usual roles no matter what. We've had so many conversations back and forth about "so and so said trains are for boys" and other things, my kid can articulate pretty well why that's baloney but doesn't change many minds at school. I think it frustrates her but she's given up and just does her own thing. I told her it'll get better again later.

I and my partner are planning to have our third baby but we haven't decided when we should try again. I should have told him right away that I stopped taking pills. But I was afraid to let him know.

tbh, he's gonna find out anyway if you're pregnant. so the question is, now what?

[Aum]

Why did you stop birth control anyway? Was there a medical reason?

Stopping birth control without telling your partner so that he still thinks it is safe to have unprotected sex with you is a form of stealthing and falls under the general umbrella of rape, IMO. Women who do what you just did are why MRAs accuse women of gaming child support systems.

You should be ashamed. Your partner didn't consent to having another child.

[geldofc]

I never thought about how stopping b/c could be a form of stealthing. edit: it's actually called reproductive coercion and stealthing is the removal of a condom which could also expose someone to a wider range of STDs. I hope long-term couples talk about things like consent and b/c and intoxication prior to anything happening. You should tell your partner asap about stopping your birth control, OP.

[melsbells]

I and my partner are planning to have our third baby but we haven't decided when we should try again. I should have told him right away that I stopped taking pills. But I was afraid to let him know.

Was there a point in time when you envisioned telling him? Why were you afraid? Planning to have another child some time in the future doesn't change that your partner's consent was not informed.

Also, we are having frequent conversations about how to bring up our future kids.

What are you doing with your current kids? Do you anticipate changing that for future kids?

[Aum]

I never thought about how stopping b/c could be a form of stealthing. edit: it's actually called reproductive coercion and stealthing is the removal of a condom which could also expose someone to a wider range of STDs. I hope long-term couples talk about things like consent and b/c and intoxication prior to anything happening. You should tell your partner asap about stopping your birth control, OP.

I don't care to mince words. In principle, it's the exact same thing: one person engaging in a sexual act with another on the premise that there is a certain level of agreed upon safety, but one person is secretly not maintaining that safety. It's a consent issue and therefore a rape issue.

Of course, the courts won't care if she decides to file for child support. He won't be able to prove that she did anything wrong and even if he could they would still blame him for not protecting himself with a condom. The violation of a sacred trust between two people in an LTR is not even taken into account.

[Taurwen]

Aum, my partner and I were just discussing this. He was surprised by my taking the hard line that stopping BC or poking holes in condoms or something like that is rape, making the woman a rapist. Which should result in jail time, so she should lose custody, which should go to the father and now he has the choice of keeping the baby or putting them up for adoption.
It's unfortunate that you can't prove such a thing, but hopefully if it was actually taken seriously women would be less likely to do it because it would at least be explicitly called rape.

[Skeezy]

Dug a little hole but not a large one. Honestly if you and your partner are already discussing it, it probably wont be so bad. Best to tell them now instead of when the baby arrives and give him ample time to prep himself if needed. The longer you wait, the more upset I'd be if it were me.

[Aum]

Aum, my partner and I were just discussing this. He was surprised by my taking the hard line that stopping BC or poking holes in condoms or something like that is rape, making the woman a rapist. Which should result in jail time, so she should lose custody, which should go to the father and now he has the choice of keeping the baby or putting them up for adoption.
It's unfortunate that you can't prove such a thing, but hopefully if it was actually taken seriously women would be less likely to do it because it would at least be explicitly called rape.

I understand how the justice system and the family courts would look at it. They see it as the man's sperm made it to the egg so somehow he wasn't protecting himself, he made the choice, yada yada. There's no way to prove that the woman was manipulative, withdrew BC, or "poked holes in the condom" (I think that's unheard of, but anyway).

In principle, I still consider it rape-esque. It might not be the worst form of rape but it involves non-consent. In my culture of sexual ethics, lack of consent on any level is violation. Yes, a man should always protect himself with a condom... but consider that long-term relationships where trust, agreements and commitments are made form a whole other level that allows a man to exercise a higher degree of vulnerability. Then suddenly she decides to stop BC because SHE wants to get pregnant ASAP even though, in reality, they are both only still at the discussion stage. Where was his consent?