So am I a Damnable Bastard?

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jubalsquirrelly

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So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by jubalsquirrelly » Fri Jun 14, 21:50 2013

I had a disturbing revelation today. I really don't give a shit about others, I feel that I should but I don't.

I have stood next to close friends who were weeping with all there might and all I could conger in my brain was "My how unfortunate."

When I help others it tends to be out of a self prescribed moral duty not because I actually care for them.

My mother pleads with me to show emotion when we meet new people, yet even relatives I meet only get a "howdy".

When I was in school people would try to "make me happy" (as if I was not) when I would sit alone at lunch. When I wondered through the halls alone teachers made quite a effort to make pleasant small talk and complement me.

Which more often than not produced no emotional reaction.

The only emotions I ever really displayed while in school when engaging in meaningful conversation were bitterness, anger,or pleasant aggression. (Pleasant aggression being were you visibly take delight in aggressively attacking or expounding a idea.)


I'm troubled by this because I don't feel I'm a complete person, I wish I could help people who cry on my shoulder but all I can muster is my robotic advice and methodology.


Perhaps you people could tell me if I am a damnable bastard.

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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by Tweek » Sun Jun 16, 11:46 2013

You don't sound like a terrible person; if you were you wouldn't be bothered about not empathising more with others.
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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by rowan » Sun Jun 16, 18:02 2013

I dunno. Maybe, maybe not. I guess if you're concerned about it, you might go talk to someone who could give real advice. I think it's only problematic if you're interested in hurting other people. But it doesn't seem like that's the case, so I wouldn't worry overmuch.

That said, if you don't think you have been happy, then maybe it is worth seeing someone about things.
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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by Meperidine » Sun Jun 16, 23:26 2013

I am fairly swayed by the assertion that a truly terrible person goes about his/her business not knowing or caring if s/he's a terrible person, and that a degree of awareness or desire to change helps. If you feel unhappy and incomplete, you have some personal growth to engage in and that's kind of great, in a way. Seeing the right therapist can help, and so can actions taken after long hard thinking about where you really want to be, what you really want to do and who you really want to spend time with. You mentioned school and I don't know what sort, but for me it took getting out of high school to realize that that environment had had a lot to do with how horrible a person I was when I was there. Whatever you find out, good luck.
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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by lizpoona » Mon Jun 17, 5:50 2013

As long as you don't hurt other people, and as long as you're aware of your actions and how you impact others, then you're fine.
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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by spacefem » Mon Jun 17, 7:32 2013

I think you're fine. Actually I'm similar in many ways... I have to act sympathetic a lot out of moral obligation because I'm really pretty insensitive. But I feel like since most social interactions were probably invented by extroverts I can't be the only one faking it.

Family get togethers are tough. I'm not into the hugging, I spend a lot of time dodging people.

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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by FernGully » Mon Jun 17, 9:11 2013

I think that I would say, no, you're not a damnable bastard. I can relate to not showing a lot of emotion and not having any desire to really. Like spacefem, I too am not a hugger, and my sister hugs me just because she knows how much I hate it (and she's a crazy hugger social butterfly). I recently took a "what colour are you" silly test thing for a work seminar, and I was blue, which means I care about other people a lot. I was like, "what, I do?" But then the lady said that according to my numbers no one can ever tell in person when I am happy, sad, angry etc, because it doesn't outwardly change. Maybe it is similar with you. Maybe you're just composed. Maybe you're just not an outward emotions kinda person? When someone is sad I feel more awkward than I do normally, which is saying a lot. I just can't really deal with other people's outpouring of emotion very well - I'm all like "should I pat your shoulder? Ew tears oh no uhhh there there." It's not like I don't ever want people to confide in me, I guess I just don't know outwardly how to deal with it. I do much better on the internetz.

I think as long as you aren't wishing harm, or wishing bad things generally on people, then you're fine. When you watch the news and see terrible things, does it bother you?
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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by monk » Wed Jun 19, 8:45 2013

I was more sensitive when I was younger but I've grown out of it, and I fake it pretty well so no one notices. What weird is that since I know how important other people find emotional expression to be I express my feeling more now than when I was younger.(Overcompensation for known flaw) Even my moral compass is pretty fucked now since the only thing keeping me in check is fear of consequences.
Last edited by monk on Wed Jun 19, 21:57 2013, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by lovernotafighter » Wed Jun 19, 21:37 2013

I don't think you are a bad person. I have trouble thinking most people are terrible people. The one thing that came to my mind though, was sociopathy. There are ways that this type of anti-social behavior is classified by the psychiatric field. People who, in general can't empathize with others,can't feel sympathy, or are antisocial, have brains that work differently. As long as you are not hurting someone emotionally or physically, I think you should be fine. But, I must say I'm not a doctor; this is just what I know. I also recommend seeing a therapist/psychoanalist/psychiatrist. I think it is great that you realize this about yourself. Good luck. :)
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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by jubalsquirrelly » Thu Jun 20, 10:58 2013

lovernotafighter wrote: I also recommend seeing a therapist/psychoanalist/psychiatrist.
Ha! I wish... I've got bigger problems that could use some therapy if I actually had the money.

Like this bloody Purely Obsessive OCD, my mind is constantly under siege with unwelcome thoughts.

I once pulled over for a police officer that didn't exist just to dispel a extreme bout of anxiety that gripped me. :screwy:

Every time something that I think could conceivably go wrong pops into my head I have to analyze every possible outcome of a action until eithier Ia new thought overtakes the old or I become to mentally exhausted to continue.



I tend to imagine myself in the far and distant future shooting myself in the head to relieve a pretty nasty panic attack or driving a van full of survival gear into the wilderness and steadily succumbing to madness as I give in to every obsessive thought without fear of social consequences.

Running naked through the woods and rolling boulders down from the mountain top on to campers that venture into my "kingdom" :drool:




It kinda sucks...

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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by Rainbow Dolphins » Thu Jun 20, 16:11 2013

I know it can be really hard if you don't have any money, but sometimes there are other resources you can use. For example, are you a student of any kind? Many schools have counseling services that are free to students. Also, does your state offer any kind of publicly funded healthcare? Many states do, although I don't know if they cover much in the way of mental health services. It may be worth looking into. (I'm assuming since money is a barrier to your health that you live in the US.)

Finally, if you ever find yourself in the position that you think you may hurt yourself, there are always free hotlines you can call to talk to someone. You may want to consult this thread, located at the top of the advice forum, for some information about these hotlines. Please remember that you never have to deal with these thoughts and feelings alone.
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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by jubalsquirrelly » Thu Jun 20, 22:37 2013

Your right that I live in the USA, specifically Tennessee which has Tenncare. I'm pretty sure they don't offer much in the way of mental help.

I'm not a student anywhere either.

Another barrier that I face even if they did have full blown shrink service is my mother. I have always had some sort of ocd as far back as I can remember, for most of my life it has been the standard sort with physical rituals. I tamed the physical ritual but they were replaced with purely obsessional ocd during high-school and up to the present.

As a child I brought the problem to my mother who subsequently blamed the devil, that's not hyperbole I mean Beelzebub himself.

I still live with my parents and need less to say I don't need a exorcism. (That's hyperbole, I'd defiantly get aggressively preached to though)

I conceal my anxiety the best as possible and am usually called either stupid or lazy for needing a moment to compose myself.

In fact this is probably the most in depth discussion of the matter I have had with anyone ever.

I have a few friends but I have trouble making deep emotional connections ( trusted enough to know) with other men, when I had a girlfriend I could talk to her but that was years ago and all the pressure placed on me is to find a girl with a personality I despise.

I'm trying to be more connected with friends but it feels awkward and goes against the way I've conditioned all my life.

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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by Aum » Fri Jun 21, 11:03 2013

Most of society does not live in their heart, thus genuine compassion is rare. The majority of people are faux sympathetic out of social expectation.
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair, but to find an antidote to the emptiness of existence. -W.A.

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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by no.one » Thu Jul 4, 7:20 2013

jubalsquirrelly wrote:
I'm troubled by this because I don't feel I'm a complete person, I wish I could help people who cry on my shoulder but all I can muster is my robotic advice and methodology.
the fact that there are people who bother to cry on your shoulder suggests that you are not the terrible person you make yourself out to be.

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Re: So am I a Damnable Bastard?

Post by DjPoptart » Tue Jul 23, 17:42 2013

I think as long as you aren't hurting people or being a serial killer than you're fine the way you are. I don't think you need help, this is who you are, you need to accept that. It's okay if you don't care about people. The way you were talking sort of reminded me of the main character Dexter. As for friends or people upset just learn to pretend to care. sometimes just asking "how do you feel? are you ok?" just lending an ear helps people.

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