Girl Of My Dreams

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Nech
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Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Nech » Mon Oct 2, 21:13 2017

:dance2: :dance2: :dance2: :dance2: :dance2: :dance2: :dance2: (Mods feel free to delete this if it’s too off topic or move it somewhere more appropriate) :dance2: :dance2: :dance2: :dance2: :dance2: :dance2: :dance2:


So I’ve been going through something pretty big in my life, and have been looking for a handy way to organize my thoughts. But I don’t want to organize them in a vacuum either, that can be dangerous, and I wanted to share this with somewhat/mostly like minded people. Basically I was looking for a public forum to organize my thoughts, maybe enjoy some dialogue, and share this adventure with others; and here I am (or here I’ve been for awhile...just, doing a thing now…). So for those who don’t know, I’ve been transitioning Male to Female (MtF) since around January 27th. Officially on Hormone Treatment Therapy (HRT) since May 8th.

The first thing that came to mind was how happy I am I live in a pretty open and LGBT friendly city. Most people in the States, outside NA, or even in several parts of Canada really struggle with getting medical support. I mean, I just walked into my doctor’s office and said I wanted to begin HRT (which my doctor wasn’t even aware of) and within minutes he had assured me he’d do some research and find me someone more knowledgeable to help. Before the end of the day he had referred me to one of the best endocrinologists in the city (outside of the only facility in my province that specializes in trans treatment). By May I had already had a preliminary appointment and completed my follow up appointment and began HRT. After the horror stories I’ve read all over the internet with people having to fight for years upon years and go out of state/province to find a doctor that would even see them and humour their request, I was expecting so much more...struggle. Not that I’m really complaining. But already through my journey I feel I’ve learned a lot about trans struggles and I’ve only just begun. I didn’t even realize how much I was dreading this fight until I had basically avoided it completely and felt the weight lift from my shoulders.

I am also lucky enough to have incredibly supportive friends and a partner. They’ve all accepted the change and used my new name and pronouns without a peep of protest (hint? My new name maaaaaaay be inspired/related/similar to my new avatar…), and it just reminds me how a support network can make rough times easier. My partner has been so supportive not batting an eye and I have no question in my mind she will be there for me regardless of how I dress or identify. Doctors, friends, and partners are all people I choose to have around me, and I’m just lucky I chose well. My family was less supportive, with my transition being compared to a death in the family even. That’s how upset it made some people. But with many actual deaths in the family, and now reactions to this being so negative, it can feel like I’ve lost my entire family.

Support networks often go under appreciated or undervalued when times aren’t tough but I can’t stress enough how important it is for everyone, no matter their hardships, to surround themselves with individuals that can be trusted and will support you.

:moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose: :penguin: :moose:

So that’s my somewhat objective situation going into this. I can’t emphasize enough how lucky I feel to have what I do have going for me. The emotional struggle is so unbelievably brutal and the ups and downs are so vicious, I can’t imagine going through it without the positives I have. That brings me to my first sort of, major revelation though.

I’ve felt this crushing duality fairly early, one that I’d actually mostly avoided up until HRT began. I mean sure gender dysphoria came by sometimes but I was able to push it aside before for the most part. I was in an almost denial for so long in my life that I knew it would be hard to see myself as anything but, well, my old self. To truly accept myself. Once I started going by my new name and those close to me started using female pronouns I started to get this weird feeling, like I was a fraud or something. It didn’t matter that more and more of my wardrobe was for women, or that I was on hormones and had little tittlets (as I affectionately call my burgeoning breasts), or even that I knew this was what I wanted. I felt this feeling I was just tricking everyone, that someone out there was more trans than me and I should just stop faking. Internally I’d often refer to myself as male or female at random, old or new name. Everytime I messed one up I’d sort of kick myself mentally. Thankfully this internal name/pronoun battle has mostly subsided. It’s always interesting to me to notice times where logically I know one thing, but emotionally my mind goes somewhere else entirely and this was definitely one of those times. Also boy, you never realize how much those around you or even you yourself use pronouns until you have to change which ones you use.

Living as a trans person, even in early stages, is so drastically different than you can comprehend through readings. And never mind the constant self disgust with your body. My weight is staying roughly the same but my fat is moving all over, my muscles are turning to fat even as I lose old fat, and I’m currently holding weight in both male and female spots. I can lose 10lbs and my pants get tighter. Since I have osteoarthritis in my hip a lot of rigorous exercise routines are out of reach which makes it tricky to keep up weight management. All the while you constantly feel this general sense of disgust with your body and you notice every little look, every laugh, every glance and you wonder:

“Do they know? Is that directed my way? Are they judging me?”

...and the scariest...

“Am I safe?”

In the past I’d hear this and thought I knew what it was like. I thought I could at least guess what it would be like. But there was this instant pressure of eyes on you beyond what I could even comprehend before I came out. It was like when I had no issues with my doctors, and felt a weight lifted I wasn’t even aware of. I always thought that I was fairly aware of my privilege (outward look of a white, cis, hetero male). God damn was I ignorant. Trans people, non-hetero/non-cis couples holding hands, women, pretty much any group that has said this in things I was reading I had no idea. It blows my mind that no matter how well read I was on this type of thing, I was still ignorant as all get out.

:rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: The more you know :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow:

Every little step further towards femininity is more and more daunting. Every extra piece of clothing, or that second pierced ear, or the thought of wearing dangly earrings, or a feminine outfit, all seem to give some sort of instant agoraphobia. It seems like every step of the day is just fraught with all these extra pressures. I’ve always felt I was exceptional at dealing with high pressure situations. I mean I’ve worked security in some seriously dangerous neighborhoods. I’ve taken part of apartment raids alongside the police and been charged at by crackheads with a knives. I’ve shrugged off emotional abuse from family, partner, and friends (most of which are out of my life thankfully). I consider myself durable, but this shit is hard. I’m actually having to put into place self care tips/tricks/methods I could get away without previously.

I think this is partially why I started this thread (and will hopefully keep it updated with new progress/info/thoughts as I go along). I want an open spot to share, to discuss, and to sometimes simply dump thoughts. I want to encourage dialogue, not only for my own sake but I hope some people out there find it interesting or that it brings awareness (granted if you’ve read through this much wall of text that’s probably a moot point and I’m preaching to the choir). As this is already getting really long I think I’ll take a break here. There’s so many other things that come to mind that I’d like to share, but I don’t want to post too much at once. Another side effect of transitioning is that every conversation, topic, or pretty much anything, seems to be pointed at or about you. As someone who doesn’t really savour spotlights, I think this is good for now.


Here are some topics I plan to eventually put down in words/more words, let me know if there’s any you’re curious about or want added to the list (or just have general questions):

:redcheck: -get started and fuckin' post something
-how “fun” my job hunt was while beginning my transition,
-asking to use a preferred name at a new workplace after 6 months of being unemployed,
:redcheck: -specific coming out stories to partner/family,
:redcheck: -mix of emotions when around people discussing families,
-how important a relaxing and rewarding hobby has been,
-thoughts/ideological shifts,
-shifts in perception of LGBT violence,
-having to try and pass as male in the future,
-the drastic difference in MtF journeys vs FtM ones,
Last edited by Nech on Mon Oct 23, 8:41 2017, edited 3 times in total.
Where there's smoke, there's fire. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So just shut up, and bring some water.

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Enigma
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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Enigma » Tue Oct 3, 18:42 2017

This is super interesting. Can I just say ugh about your family? It sucks they didn't take it well.

The funniest thing about my reaction to you transitioning (to me at least) is that my general urge is to teach you the ways of women aka makeup, hair, clothes whatever. Basically everything I learned at sleepovers when I was about 13. But then I get stuck in a internal argument about how the makeup isn't what makes a woman. Which it obviously isn't. But still though it's fun. And anyways it's made me notice my own gender role things lol.

Side note: we should totally have a makeup party. If you want. No gender pressure. :P
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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Taurwen » Wed Oct 4, 6:51 2017

When I first started my job I was a temporary worker, and when I returned the next year one of my co-workers had come out at work (I later found out she had been transitioning for awhile). She shortly left our place of employment but I've hung out with her a few times since, and I'll never forget how happy she was when telling me about her new job and how everyone had just assumed she was a woman when she started. It's such a stereotypical response to good news but I almost cried it was so touching (in my defense, I was newly pregnant at the time and my hormones were everywhere).
Our fairly LGBT-friendly city is definitely one of the reasons why we'll probably be staying in Toronto until our son is much older. After living here for a few years and then moving out east I couldn't believe the things I had taken for granted (asking a medical professional where I could buy dental dams and being told to just cut up a rubber glove, and when I said "Well I would rather have something flavoured. I don't find the taste of plain latex all that great" the shock an awe of the person that a) the dental dam was for me to use and b) I was admitting it). My doctor now specializes in trans youth, my family couldn't even get our doctor to take mental illness seriously in my home town, he might faint if asked anything about trans people.
Which is a weird aside...

All to say, I'm glad you're able to transition, and I'm glad you're learning so much. I hope you continue safely in your journey :)

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Nech » Wed Oct 4, 11:57 2017

Taurwen wrote:
Wed Oct 4, 6:51 2017
Our fairly LGBT-friendly city is definitely one of the reasons why we'll probably be staying in Toronto until our son is much older. After living here for a few years and then moving out east I couldn't believe the things I had taken for granted (asking a medical professional where I could buy dental dams and being told to just cut up a rubber glove, and when I said "Well I would rather have something flavoured. I don't find the taste of plain latex all that great" the shock an awe of the person that a) the dental dam was for me to use and b) I was admitting it). My doctor now specializes in trans youth, my family couldn't even get our doctor to take mental illness seriously in my home town, he might faint if asked anything about trans people.
How far east did you go!?!?!? I mean my doctor is in Scarborough and my Endo is on the border between Toronto/Scarborough (I think..) and I had good experiences. Though knowing some of the people I've met from NS and my experiences with my family from Nfld I could see that viewpoint cropping up much further east. :kill:
Enigma wrote:
Tue Oct 3, 18:42 2017
The funniest thing about my reaction to you transitioning (to me at least) is that my general urge is to teach you the ways of women aka makeup, hair, clothes whatever. Basically everything I learned at sleepovers when I was about 13. But then I get stuck in a internal argument about how the makeup isn't what makes a woman. Which it obviously isn't. But still though it's fun. And anyways it's made me notice my own gender role things lol.

Side note: we should totally have a makeup party. If you want. No gender pressure. :P
I am totally down for a make-up party! Once my financials are caught up we're still going shopping too, just and fyi. That's coming don't think I forgot! :dance2: :dance2:
Where there's smoke, there's fire. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So just shut up, and bring some water.

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by rowan » Wed Oct 4, 16:25 2017

hehe I have no idea how makeup works ;)

I am so sorry about your family. But glad you have a good support network otherwise, that's great. Everyone's transition story is different, but I do want to say that I've heard that "I feel like a fraud" bit from several friends who have gone through. I think that's a fairly common feeling. If you can find a support group of trans people maybe that would also help?

Thank you for sharing your story with us. :heart:
spacefem wrote:All your logical argue are belong to us!

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Taurwen » Thu Oct 5, 6:05 2017

When I say East I mean pretty far East, I spent a semester in Cape Breton. (beside the general denial of LGBT their sexual services were lacking in general. I wanted to have sex with someone and was having the STI discussion and the only test they could tell me about was that they had given blood recently. I thought that was ridiculous, but it was pretty much the only way to get tested. I did track down a place that did HIV testing but I had to go there three times before they successfully drew enough blood for the test. Safe needle disposal bins in every bathroom on campus, but if you wanted to be tested for syphilis you were SOL... I have a lot of feels about Cape Breton in case you were wondering... )

A lot of the older people I know who have transitioned pretty much go genderless around their family. They all seem pretty happy to at least have that compromise, it sucks that that's what they are happy with, but I hope at some point you can be as happy as they are with your family.

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Sonic# » Thu Oct 5, 8:26 2017

This is awesome Nech. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you have a lot of support in your life.

My question is a follow-up on what Engima was talking about. Basically, how are you experiencing gender roles? That's probably unclear. Like, when Enigma noted,
And anyways it's made me notice my own gender role things lol.
it made me wonder what gender role things (either from before or in your current life) you've been noticing more.

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Nech » Thu Oct 5, 14:10 2017

(This is my first time posting from work, so not sure how coherent this will be as it will be in between calls lol)

It's actually really strange, dealing with gender roles. Before I started transitioning I was trying to step away from them (probably rather unsuccessfully if my feelings since I started are any indication). I've noticed to my dismay though, that whenever I would think of femininity and becoming more feminine I would ascribe stereotypes. Either in dress, body movement, make-up, whatever the case may be. My immediate thought would always go to these "norms" that don't exactly line up with my feminist ideologies in most cases. It sort of took a few months to come to terms with the idea that I might not be a "girly" girl, and that I don't need to ascribe to any norms or stereotypes to become a woman (which was odd because I already "thought" that prior, idea vs implementation I suppose. I will likely never be huge on makeup because heavy stuff on my skin bugs me but I enjoy things like heels/wedges. Even sunscreen growing up always drove me nuts and I'd try to avoid it, granted now I can't with my ink and I'm having to get used to creams and stuff because my skin is becoming insanely dry, but at least it's not super greasy anymore!

I remember when I first imagined becoming a woman, I thought I'd have to be categorized as "something else" because of anatomy and such. It's been a bit of a personal struggle to come to terms with not conforming to gender norms. It definitely doesn't help with the feeling like a freak or not like a woman. It's sometimes really hard to break down what is how I feel, who I am as a woman, what is simply a societal norm influence, and what I'm uncomfortable with simply because it is new or foreign. The intersectionality of changing genders is insane. Whether it's becoming polyamorous, going through a divorce, doing introspection at the start of a new relationship, or transitioning, my life is full of self doubt and introspection lately. At least I'm growing as a person?(hopefullly...)
Where there's smoke, there's fire. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So just shut up, and bring some water.

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by melsbells » Tue Oct 10, 14:51 2017

Thanks for sharing all this with us. I'm curious to hear more about this:
Nech wrote:
Mon Oct 2, 21:13 2017
shifts in perception of LGBT violence
if you keep posting.

In the original post, I was really struck by the way you talked about feeling like a fraud. While I'm familiar with numerous accounts of people misgendering themselves or trying to fit the mold of a gender stereotype or the expected story of the trans* experience, in the past, I've considered the last two things to be primarily a reaction to gate-keeping. I've never made the connection to impostor syndrome before, which seems like it should have been obvious.

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by geldofc » Tue Oct 10, 20:55 2017

i enjoyed reading about your experience transitioning and your thoughts! thx.
:gf: :devil: :syringe:

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Nech » Mon Oct 23, 10:49 2017

I’m back for number 2! So this time I’m try being more focused on something specific, mostly being centered around coming out to people. The funny thing is that my coming out does stretch way farther back than most of my story. There was like...this gap in the middle of coming out and then actually transitioning. About two or so years before I went to my doctor I came out to my then wife. I wasn’t really sure if I counted as a “real transwoman” so I looked for some sort of sub-category to describe my ideal “body type” outside of the binary before I approached her. Apparently in trans subculture, this means I was an “egg”. Someone who was transgender but sought out trans friendly zones without knowing that they were trans, or by looking for other descriptors beyond transgender before finally coming to terms with who they were. The terminology I settled on was the phrase “sissy”, of the same category as ladyboy only offensive (I was fascinated when I found out people are fighting to stop ladyboy being thought of as an offensive term, and that it is considered a part of Thailand's culture beyond the tourist areas).

I was nervous as all hell when I went to speak to my wife. Now she is fairly liberal and me and her share a fair bit of similar views, but it was still nerve wracking. At first, she accepted it and was very accepting. We were also beginning to look into poly, she didn’t have a concern regarding becoming unattracted to me because we could easily stay in love and she could find another partner for sexual satisfaction. However as I started keeping my body a little more and more hairless and as I attempted to be more feminine it became an issue where not only did attraction to me wane to basically non-existent, but she started to wonder, if there was only love and no physicality then how is that any different than being friends? It ended in a few fights, me getting rid of any female clothes I’ve picked up as yet, and deciding to stop changing myself in an attempt to save/maintain my marriage. I reverted to my old more macho demeanour and dress, told everyone that knew I was done with it because SO wasn’t on board, and even shaved my head. I told myself it was easier to maintain with less hair (which is true), but looking back I think it was an attempt to convince myself this was final and I wasn’t going to do anything about transitioning anymore. Long hair was just too feminine and made we wish I could of continued.

:vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos: :vlos:

It took a long time but I felt I had given up on becoming who I wanted to be, where I wasn’t struggling with pangs in my heart or bouts of depression. I felt I had done the right thing to save my marriage and maintain it and had chosen the woman I loved and agreed to sacrifice a part of myself in return. Looking back, not a healthy way to try and maintain any relationship. But I was in a low place mentally, had low self esteem, and was so worried about ending up alone I was terrified to distance myself from her. I’m sure anyone who has gone through a separation in a long term relationship will know that fear. In the end, the relationship did end and we did grow apart. Fortunately when we did split I had another partner though, which made it much more bearable. But a few months into the separation I realised I had no reason not to transition now and had to tell this to my remaining partner and everything came flooding back. All the desires, wants, and what felt like a need to transition. Even though we hadn’t been together very long it was absolutely just as terrifying. We had such a connection I didn’t want to lose. All those same fears of ending up alone after all, where would I meet someone else, about how lonely I would become since I didn’t really have family (and lost my in-laws), it all came flooding to the forefront. I was really only able to face it because being in a positive relationship that wasn’t laced with years of toxicity improved my mental health and my self-esteem tremendously. If it wasn’t for my current partner, I honestly don’t know how I would have been able to deal with my separation and my transition. The thought is still scary to this day.

Now, while my current partner was very accepting of everything all I could think of for almost 6 months was “Well so was my wife before you started making progress”. Despite the fact that her support and reassurance has not wavered, to this day the fear of being left because of who I am still stays with me and is a constant battle on top of all the other daily mental battles I have as I transition. I find it fascinating and frustrating how much I have to lean on those still in my life. Looking for constant validation and reassurance to quence those fears and feeling less independent because of it. Some days it feels like my mental health is completely dependant on others. This is why I stressed so heavily in my original post the need for everyone to have a support network, because I’d be sunk without support from mine. But it is such a battle to maintain the simplest thing such as independence during this transition. I’m grateful to my supporters, but I definitely dislike relying so heavily on others and that’s just another battle while going down the road. Always questioning when I’m asking them a favour or for reassurance, if I’m doing it out of necessity for the support or am I doing it because I got used to it and am being too lazy to deal with something myself. Needless to say I still struggle with self doubt, so add that to my list. :|

:rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile: :rainbowsmile:

Coming out to my family though was not nearly as peaceful. My siblings were fairly quiet on the topic (disappointingly so, although no real reaction one way or the other), my grandmother refused to acknowledge it and said I’d always be [boy’s name] to her, and my father wouldn’t speak to me for awhile and his girlfriend said it was like a death in the family (and we pretty much don’t speak at all now). There was actually a bit of an argument because I didn’t tell him first over everyone else (we’re really not that close and he’s never been interested in keeping in touch) and when they found out they were upset that I should of notified them first because this really affects their lives. Seeing as I’ve seen him once in the past two years, not really sure how. My grandmother’s reaction I somewhat get. She’s from several generations back, the fact she even speaks to me and says she still loves me is a show of how accepting she is trying to be. It’s still hard to deal with though because despite it being such a huge thing for her, it can sometimes feel like a letdown and that she still came up short by today’s/my standards. So we talk sorta, but it’s strained and she often breaks down crying. The rest of my family is mostly dead so since my brother/sister/grandmother live so far, not on speaking terms with my father and his partner, not in contact with with my one living uncle more often than casual texts once every 3-6 months to make sure we’re both still alive, and having lost all the in laws in the separation (who became very much family), it can feel like I’m without family sometimes.

I should have foreseen this really and been prepared for it, especially since almost every trans person’s story I’ve read has family issues. I always viewed my family as fairly liberal minded (white trashy, but mostly progressive) but it never really sunk in how much of my family I lost and that it was mostly the liberal and progressive folks who passed on. Not only was I not prepared for these emotions and the situation at all, but I’ve never experienced anything like them. I noticed it the most with Canadian Thanksgiving having just passed and realizing I didn’t have a table to go to for turkey dinner. Everyone I knew was running off to family functions either friends or co-workers and groaning about how they over ate or had to deal with family issues and it just made me feel suddenly alone. Which is silly because I have great friends and a wonderful partner. Even a fluffy puppy! Hell, I even had a traditional thanksgiving dinner with my partner and 2 others. But I was still finding myself pinning for the big family dinners I used to have. Where there was a large dinner with like 4 households, distant visitors, and then another dinner with the other side of the family. I’m not sure if I miss having a family, or am just being nostalgic for days gone by where everything was "better". But it’s this definite longing that’s been following me for a little while now where I just get exceptionally envious of the families others have and I’m not really sure how to deal with that.

:kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill: :kill:

I’ve been lucky for the majority of people I came out to, my life didn’t empty and I wasn’t left alone and fighting against a transphobic system. But even though I’m one of the lucky ones, this is still such a pain in the ass process. It’s also starting to set in just how long it is too, and nothing seems to want to sync up at all. Even my booblets (upgraded from titlets :D ) are growing at different rates. And that’s saying nothing about facial hair removal. Frustrating and polarizing for sure. But I digress for now.



Here are some topics I plan to eventually put down in words/more words, let me know if there’s any you’re curious about or want added to the list (or just have general questions):

:redcheck: -get started and fuckin' post something
-how “fun” my job hunt was while beginning my transition,
-asking to use a preferred name at a new workplace after 6 months of being unemployed,
:redcheck: -specific coming out stories to partner/family,
:redcheck: -mix of emotions when around people discussing families,
-how important a relaxing and rewarding hobby has been,
-thoughts/ideological shifts,
-shifts in perception of LGBT violence,
-having to try and pass as male in the future,
-the drastic difference in MtF journeys vs FtM ones,
Where there's smoke, there's fire. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So just shut up, and bring some water.

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by rowan » Mon Oct 23, 12:27 2017

:heart: family is so hard sometimes. :heart:
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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Sonic# » Mon Oct 23, 13:32 2017

I read it all. <3

It is hard how many of our relationships remain contingent on one particular gender presentation. Like, it seems understandable that a relationship involving physical attraction may falter as you begin to transition. (I'm glad your current partner loves you and sounds awesome.) But with family, even far more minor disagreements about politics and sexuality have at times strained our relations. It feels sometimes like people in the family take conformity to their worldview for granted, and seem unwilling to work through larger disagreements or life changes like transitioning. In some ways that silence on the part of your siblings seems more hurtful: they aren't making the effort to engage with you, to check in, to maintain that relationship. Grandma doesn't sound easy to deal with, but at least she's trying. :/

Sorry if I'm projecting any. Without saying too much, that's what I've seen in my own family sometimes - such silence on how things are between us that it feels more like neglect.

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Nech » Mon Oct 23, 17:35 2017

Yeah for sure Sonic. It definitely feels like many people take family (and often times friends too) for granted. Once people get a constant in their life or they feel they have achieved some sort of pinnacle, they stop putting the work in to maintain it. I think it's that same mentality that has people so set in their world views and ways. They feel they have attained a pinnacle of awareness or pinnacle if customs. I've seen it in older generation LGBT individuals too. They used to be crazy big on political activism and awareness, but then view the next generation as just stirring up trouble. This also happens when a group obtains their rights and another minority tries to fight for similar rights, they get blamed for stirring up trouble and don't actually get support from the group (those this likely has more to do with normalization). But I digress, I'm going a bit off topic haha
Where there's smoke, there's fire. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So just shut up, and bring some water.

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Skeezy » Tue Oct 24, 12:33 2017

@Nech

Interesting.

Im not going to comment much but will say, I commend your inner strength to follow your heart. While my biews may be different I can understand the emotional turmoil and difficulty.

I was curious of before when you tried to deny it and shaved your head. What limbo was the sex life in if any? The older I get the more things can throw me off sexualy. I can't imagine performing/enjoying with the weight of what you were going through on your mind. I mean at some point it seems like their would be a significant everynight hurdle.

If too personal, feel free not to answer its just strictly my curiosity.

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Re: Girl Of My Dreams

Post by Nech » Tue Oct 24, 14:03 2017

Hey no worries Skeezy, I posted I'm open to sharing. :)

There wasn't much more of a limbo than any other time in the relationship. The biggest dip when my wife's attraction began to wane. Once my body hair grew back it sort of picked up and returned to what it was, before we simply began to drift apart and intimacy went with it (emotional and physical). For me the affect was negligible on my sex drive. I think for a little while I did face difficulties finishing, and that might of been while I was in limbo before I "accepted" I wasn't going to transition. But it didn't affect the frequency, just the length of it.

Now that being said being on hormones has affected the length of time it takes to orgasm, the severity of the orgasm, as well as what type of orgasms that are experienced.
Where there's smoke, there's fire. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So just shut up, and bring some water.

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