Unplanned, polyamorous pregnancy situation

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Nedra

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Unplanned, polyamorous pregnancy situation

Post by Nedra » Sun Apr 15, 9:20 2018

I haven’t been around here for a long time, but I am finding myself in a tricky situation and I thought this community might be supportive of my....alternative situation.

I have been with my husband for 11 years and with my boyfriend for about 10 months. My husband and I adopted a polyamorous relationship style about a year ago.

I just found out that I am pregnant this week. Super early — today I am 4 weeks and 2 days. I don’t know who the father is because I was using condoms with both my husband and boyfriend, but I have a strong feeling that it is my boyfriend’s.

If everything were straightforward and simple, I would definitely continue the pregnancy and keep the baby. But if the baby is my boyfriend’s then keeping the baby likely means being “out” (and already our families are not all supportive) and negotiating parenting with two partners.

I am feeling overwhelmed.

My husband and I already have two children and my husband doesn’t want more but understands that he cannot demand that I terminate the pregnancy. My boyfriend has none, but wants one someday. My boyfriend isn’t seeing anyone else except me. We had been recently been thinking of all living together someday, but we weren’t sure yet. My boyfriend and husband get along fine, but aren’t “friends” by any means. Basically, if I am not in the room, they don’t speak to each other and just look at their phones.

Is anyone else out there polyamorous? Or have a unique, blended family type situation?

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geldofc
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Re: Unplanned, polyamorous pregnancy situation

Post by geldofc » Sun Apr 15, 12:59 2018

I'm not poly so probably disregard my opinion. But if your husband and bf can't speak to each other when you're not around it sounds like an awkward environment. I also think a child deserves to have 0 confusion about who their parent(s) are and 100% commitment from at least one.
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DarkOne
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Re: Unplanned, polyamorous pregnancy situation

Post by DarkOne » Mon Apr 16, 6:16 2018

'Im sorry you're feeling overwhelmed -- I can understand why. I'm not in a polyamorous relationship and I have a fairly traditional family type, so no experience to share there. But in your shoes, if I could afford it, I would get a paternity test done ASAP, which seems to be around 8 weeks. maybe wait a bit longer if accuracy was improved. You didn't mention it, but I assume you might already be thinking about it.That way, I'd remove at least part of the uncertainty. I'm a planner, so I would wait until paternity results and then start planning for a few different scenarios from there. Maybe your situation isn't exactly common, but blended, co-parenting family situations are fairly common these days. You could try to ask for advice from those community groups in common websites like BabyCenter and WhatToExpect. Be warned, those forums can get pretty savage, and they are "thoughts-and-prayers"-prone, but more often than not, I've found useful advice. In fact, I found THIS polyamorous parents group. Not sure how active the group is, but maybe they have some good insight? Hope you can sort things out!
"Winston Churchill once said 'The eyes are the windows of your face.' " -A man who's very scared of plants.

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melsbells
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Re: Unplanned, polyamorous pregnancy situation

Post by melsbells » Mon Apr 16, 9:38 2018

Welcome back Nedra!

I hope you're not feeling pressured to act one way or another in this situation. Certainly co-parenting among three people can be done. It happens frequently enough among divorced parents. Though a friend, I've met some kids who were raised in community, and at least one of those kids' parents were polyamorous. In that situation the biological parents of the kids were known, but other designated community members took on guardianship roles (unrelated to metamores as far as I was aware). I'm sorry that I can't connect you to hear about personal experiences.

I wouldn't worry about your husband and boyfriend not speaking to each other socially, but I'm also coming from a place where I've gotten used to silence not being an indication of discomfort.

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metawidget
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Re: Unplanned, polyamorous pregnancy situation

Post by metawidget » Sun Apr 22, 7:28 2018

That does seem like a difficult situation, Nedra.

I'm not clear on who knows what at this point… but I think once you have caught your breath it would probably be good to work out what your best-case outcomes are and to find out those of your partners. Maybe they overlap! I would let them know if they don't already in a way that doesn't require them to respond right away, and then get together and talk — not quite as absolute equals, because only you are pregnant here, plus differing levels of involvement, history, existing parental relationships… but you want everyone to be heard and you want to know what people are thinking going into deciding what best steps to take.

You know you and your relationships… I won't recommend any particular choice here, but I hope everyone is heard and you can move forward with confidence.

For what it's worth, I'm polyamorous with kids and have been through some other difficult discussions around kids and parenting (although not this particular situation). I feel for you and wish you good things!
we generally act as a collective in my pants.
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Re: Unplanned, polyamorous pregnancy situation

Post by Aum » Thu Apr 26, 10:43 2018

It sounds like you can't predictably rely on either of these men to bring another life into the world, and your 10 month boyfriend is too new to know either way. Wanting children "some day" is not exactly a ringing commitment.

You need to get real here. You're potentially bringing a human being into the world. That is serious. Do you really think those two men are going to jump into a living arrangement together just to suit a new child? It sounds like not, and even if they were willing it would be extremely precarious.

I just worry about the new child, above all else. The relationship dynamics are temporary but creating new life is serious business.
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair, but to find an antidote to the emptiness of existence. -W.A.

Nedra

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Update

Post by Nedra » Fri Apr 27, 8:00 2018

To update:

Both partners know. I told them soon after I became aware that the situation was really happening.

After some tearful and intense conversations, I told them both that I had decided not to terminate.

My husband is rooting for placing the baby (regardless of paternity) with friends of his who have been trying to adopt for a long time. He is really excited about the idea of helping them create a family, but recognizes that I might not be able to give a baby up for adoption.

My boyfriend processes emotions more slowly than either of us and he is currently of the mindset that he just wants me to be happy and that he’s sure we can make it work if I decide to keep the baby. He initially was urging termination because he was so scared of the complexities of it all, but now has come to terms with the reality and is feeling scared-but-hopeful.

In two weeks, I will have a first OB appointment and an ultrasound. My boyfriend will attend with me but my husband has to be at work. After the ultrasound, if the pregnancy appears to be viable, we will get the DNA paternity test done and then go from there.

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rowan
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Re: Unplanned, polyamorous pregnancy situation

Post by rowan » Fri Apr 27, 21:04 2018

Good luck! I hope all things go smoothly for you, however it works out.
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Re: Unplanned, polyamorous pregnancy situation

Post by metawidget » Sun Apr 29, 6:18 2018

I'm glad you have been communicating and working things out. I wish you lots of health and love as you wrote the next chapter of this story.
we generally act as a collective in my pants.
--Dragonrider

We do not baptize our members, but we do encourage bathing from time to time.
--Draak
:quebec: :canada:

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